Talking to a lesbian

-I’ve never talked to a lesbian before.
-Yes you have, there are a lot of us about. Just not known about it.

My sink was blocked, and the pipes were leaking, so I called the letting agent who called the plumber who interrogated me about my sex life. So it goes. He started by asking if he could ask me a question. Yes, but I may not answer. He took an age, not seeming to find the words- I wanted to say, “spit it out, man” but left him to it. Then he told me he had seen my wigs- did I have cancer?

Odd, that, second time in five days. No, I explained, I was bald before I was thirty. It was something genetic, but not life-threatening. Doctors could not do anything about it.

-Have you ever been married?
-Why not?

He is a nosey bugger, complaining about the tea I made for him- worst tea ever, he takes two sugars and having thrown out the last sugar I possessed, as its sell-by date was ten years past, I have none. So I said, because it’s only been legal two years. He understood eventually.

-Why are you not attracted to men?
-Well, why are you not?

Honestly, this basic failure of empathy irritates me, even as I am considering my voice and wondering if he has really not read me as trans. I just- never have been. You can’t control your dreams, can you? When you were a teenager, you dreamed of women-

he looks embarrassed

-and so did I.

He started asking me about sex. What do you do? He kept badgering me. How do you do it? Do you wear a strap-on thing? No, I said. Yuck. So I told him about scissoring, and mimed with my fingers. He’s slow on the uptake: he did not realise my fingers were supposed to reference legs. Then I mentioned 69. I will not let you embarrass me.

He has been married since 1984, when he was 26. They have had their ups and downs- nearly split last year- but have stayed together. He also wanted to know what work I did and why I was renting. He bought his house for £90,000, but now his son and daughter need a deposit they cannot afford: £34,000 is the average deposit. He has a flagpole in his garden: the council did not like it, and told him he could not advertise, so he put a Tottenham flag on it. “When you see Spurs play, think of me.”

He has seven wigs.
-What are they like?
-Rod Stewart, Tina Turner.
-Oh, quite extrovert, then?

A Tina Turner wig. He is a cross-dresser. I don’t want to quiz him about that, and while he may have read me as trans I won’t refer to it if he won’t. Also, he has never read a book. He likes watching TV documentaries. His wife reads books. He wants to see me without my wig, and I refuse. Really, yuck. He’ll leave me alone if I put on my blonde wig for him, which he says really suits me- then he goes.

Caravaggio, Judith beheading Holofernes

12 thoughts on “Talking to a lesbian

  1. Gotta love the nosey people huh? Interesting the things you find out about people. Interesting the things they find out about themselves, when in the presence of someone different from them.

    Awesome post! I’ve missed your blog posts over the last few months


  2. Clare Flourish, if there is stability in a same sex romantic relationship that cannot be found in a heterosexual relationship. I see no problem with it. What are your thoughts?


    • I see no problem with any form of coupling, as long as no-one’s just expectation of fidelity is infringed.

      Black lives matter draws attention to police treatment of others based on race. I wondered at her title, but that historian’s article was quite good: Really look deep, past the layer of tolerance, and see if in your heart of hearts you have followed God’s commands to seek justice, to fight for the powerless and abused, to share with others who are not like you. It’s not easy, but we have to get past excusing ourselves and even patting ourselves on the back for getting away from de jure segregation when the residue of de facto segregation still remains and clutters our hearts.

      You wrote All lives matter. Black lives matter-that is a racially divisive group. Do you not think they are entitled to draw attention to disproportionate treatment?


  3. Clare Flourish, I was trying to be politically correct. Everyone should be treated fairly regardless of their ethnicity or their sexual orientation.


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