Find your inner bitch!
When I was doing tribunals, I took them all terribly personally. I had to win. And I thought, I do not really care about the Claimant, it’s personal but not for them. I was doing it for me. I saw that, and I did not understand it. Something to do with being worthless except for what I can achieve.
I want to see myself as a good person. Part of that is that I would not hurt a fly. Well, maybe a fly, but not a spider. I am soft, gentle, peaceful. Well, I am soft, gentle, peaceful and that is good and beautiful. I want to see myself as a nice person.
Yesterday I thought, turn the anger outwards, today I thought, Find your inner bitch! She acts in her own interests. And I don’t get this. It is not the full expression of what I was not doing or am doing now- yet the word “bitch”, seen as a good thing, is empowering. “It is alright for me to be a bitch”, I say to myself. You can do this. So I have done something- for the diary, not the blog- which is entirely my right to do, which I had been unable to do. And await the consequences.
It’s not that I don’t do selfish, or destructive, or ridiculous things- though those tend to be more by omission than commission- not that I am good, exactly, but that my actions are constrained by my self-image. I don’t get it. Yet I feel liberated, just as I did by “I am a trans woman”. I can be a bitch. A bitch can do this.