Developing gender dysphoria

If transvestic fetishism develops into autogynephilia then gender dysphoria, that would only be a bad thing if being a trans woman is a bad thing. Why on Earth would one ever imagine that? It is good for me. It enables me to be, to express myself, to interact with others, more authentically as me- whether that “me” is “male” or “female”, masculine or feminine, whatever.

That the process was intensely painful does not mean that it was a bad thing. The pain came from guilt and shame, and from unknowing and feeling not in control. Not trusting. But first I like feminine clothes, then I imagine a feminine lifestyle, then I realise my feminine self. All people undergo this growth into being the mature self, a process of being and becoming, like egg, caterpillar, pupa, butterfly. All the stages are necessary, and each stage is the real me.

I recall the pain, and it has echoes now, for I am still in pain. My pain is at the strength of the cultural forces pushing me into the false path of conventional masculinity, which still enrage me, which necessitate the strength of my NO!, my refusal, leaving so little strength left for my yes, my desire.

It involved masturbation, then feeling guilty. Why should sexual release be “bad”? It is a natural physical function. I felt guilt about it, because of the guilt about cross-dressing- which was rejecting the role mapped out for me, the conventional concept of manhood which did not fit me. It seemed to me that society pushed me into the wrong shaped hole, and I felt guilt at resisting. Though I thought Oldham CAB would find a reason to dismiss me, and they supported me: society was more liberal than I had thought.

Was the desire reinforced or fomented by the masturbation? I don’t think it could be instigated by masturbation, and I think presenting female would create gender dysphoria, the intense discomfort of the male in the female role, if it was merely a sexual fantasy. But yeah, theorists disagree, and say of me, s/he would say that, wouldn’t s/he? Sod ’em.

The process involves removal of male physical sex characteristics, and as far as possible creation of female ones. My facial hair was removed, and some have FFS. Does this mean I assert that my femininity means that I am a woman, or that women ought to be “feminine”? No, just that from whatever cause which I do not know, that is what I wanted. Possibly the cause is the Patriarchy, which almost tolerates me if I pretend to be a woman. I don’t know what the world without patriarchy would be like- yet I subvert Patriarchy, by rejecting male privilege.

Oh, come on Roughseas, I know you read this! So many pageviews from Gibraltar, the simplest explanation is they’re you. This tense paradox of freedom and unfreedom, in that being free- authentic- means having no choice- here I am, I can be no other. Say you forgive me! Another paradox: I am myself, and I am in the world.

I have been back with Prof Eric Steinhart, and today learn his pages are designed to be read with die Phänomenologie des Geistes, which I may yet read, though I might prefer an internet summary to an undergraduate module. And a line from Jonathan Franzen The Corrections, that Alfred blamed Enid for his confusion, for witnessing it into existence. I wrestle with this, as I have for the last four years, and take what I may from the thought of others, to push my own forward.

9 thoughts on “Developing gender dysphoria

  1. “transvestic fetishism develops into autogynephilia then gender dysphoria”

    What transvestic fetishism and AGP represent is ultimately the same fetishism. It isn’t that contact or proximity to the objects, magically produce sexual arousal, but rather that one is sexually aroused by the association of oneself to the symbolism, the associating of oneself to the wearing of this clothing, the associating of oneself to symbols of effeminacy (emasculation). It is the same source of common confusion with the other great symbolism of the fetish grounded in masochistic emasculation, of being fucked by a man.

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  2. I am in severe need of help. If there is anyway you could contact me please do. I am a 48 year old male. I LOVE wearing female clothing and masturbating. I go out crossdressed all the time. I have been in therapy for 15 years and still have no answers, which I am desperate for. I can’t stop doing it. Please help. I don’t know what to do

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  3. I am currently going to therapy. during my adolescence I realized that I was attracted to trans women by accident. But read something about that it could mean one was trans as well. I thought that was not me. I experimented with crossdressing and I got aroused. At the same time I had some autogynephilic fantasies. I stopped myself and didn’t explore out of fear it would lead to me being trans.
    Years later I discovered all this again and realized I still had that response. But I stopped myself again.
    I was with a woman and had fantasies of being a woman with her. I ditched them.
    When we both broke up for other reasons and she left, I tried her clothes and I realized I still had the same reaction. I got scared and threw them.
    One day, after some failed relationships with women I went full into it for some days (just some hours alone at home, not all day). I got scared and threw everything. I did accept though finally my attraction towards trans women.
    And I went back again to dating. I failed and again this time I bought myself female underwear. And I just want to dress myself with it, but I am scared. I also was looking at prosthetic breasts and vaginas, I feel like I would very much enjoy trying it some time alone at home. But I am afraid of being caught. I very much want to feel what it’s like having a femenines body. And maybe try some makeup and wigs. But it very much scares me because I am afraid it could be playing with fire and I would end up having gender disphoria. And I don’t want that. I want a normal life. I don’t want to go through a surgery that could let me look like I don’t pass and I don’t want to deal with something like transition with relatives or friends. I prefer to be a man.
    If I could experiment with my gender without risk I would, I mean I enjoy the idea of being able to switch from one to another, maybe in private, but the whole public thing is not for me. I rather be a man in public and for most things in my life. I feel it’s more practical.

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      • Thanks Claire, you are a sunshine! 🙂 For now I think I want to explore a bit. How would you handle it at home first? I still don’t feel much like going public and have never tried makeup, not even at home. Do you know of any discreet online shops that sell internationally clothes that fit better our bodies? Thanks.

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