My transition continues. I am one human being, but I feel as if different aspects are at war within me. Much of me is unconscious, which moulds my expression in the world and my understanding of myself. As I realise my true self, I find much of the programming which made it possible to live as a child with my mother and was designed to make me fit in as a “man” comes into consciousness and expresses itself as fear.
I am turned against myself because I fear myself, and that fear recedes. My desire to suppress myself lessens. I am better able to appreciate myself and the world: I see more clearly.
At one point it felt like I was a well-meaning husband wanting his wife not to cry, but with no idea what to say or what was upsetting her. Or a man trying to pacify a terrified animal. I knew the animal was me, I just had no idea how to give it a voice, or what was stopping it speaking or frightening it.
Then it said, I Am, and now it speaks. The inner critic is still frightened, angry and upset, attempting to shut me down, and its rage hurts me less. It denies the reality of this speaking from the heart, claiming it is an act, and I know that is not true.
Speaking from wise, gentle, kind, aspects of that real me is easier. I started by wondering if I could type from it, and distracted myself, until A messengered me and I proposed a video call. She had noticed my share, “Don’t go on about authenticity and spirituality if you exploit people”. Who did I mean? We gossip a bit.
I felt my generosity was spurned. After being told repeatedly how I was valued, I felt treated as worthless. With feelings now and feelings carried over from the time, I could barely get this story out. I hated the firm of solicitors I worked for. There is the Sunday evening feeling- Oh God, I have to go to work tomorrow- and for me it started on Friday. Oh good, it’s the weekend- but on Monday I will have to go back there.
I was sacked after my second costly mistake. I worked my notice, but they did not want me to do anything particularly responsible. The conveyancing partner drove off to Forfar, forgetting some keys, and they sent me after her with them. I met her, and she was apologetic, and I felt a moment of pure pleasure. I found that I loved doing something which I saw was useful.
This was just after aversion therapy, when I did not know myself. It went against what I understood I was supposed to want. I want to be useful. It is feminine.
I have just checked. The firm shut down, after a finding of inadequate professional service confirmed by the Court of Session. It could not be passed on to another partner or sold as a going concern. The former conveyancing partner is working in Aberdeen.
I wanted to do something generous, and she spurned it. All her affirmation of me- “Your beauty is endless,” etc, etc, was merely manipulative, and she treated me as worthless. I had taken into myself that I was worthless, and now believing that I have the value of a cat or dog is a struggle. And someone said they loved my affirmation: “I have value, desire, agency, determination”.
This is who I am, still surprising myself. This is the depth of my hurt, which I cleanse and heal in its own time.
I had thought that the point of speaking from the heart is to see the world and myself more clearly, that I might act more clearly in my own interests. That is an aim the inner rationalist and even the male ego could get behind. However, the aim is to be me: my feelings, perceptions, desires, known and affirmed, my choices arising within me. The introjects conflicting with that desire my good but are incapable of advancing it. I want them to see my beauty and truth, and come to serve me rather than fight me.
I need to say to myself what I wanted to say to Quakers:
Speak when moved.
Act when led.
Don’t, when not.
I am here. This is who I am.
Enjoy it for a bit, and see what comes.