Process

I clean my teeth in the shower. I announce this here because I saw written of another that She cleans her teeth in the shower as if that were shocking or weird- anti-environmental, wasteful or something.

Thinking of one of those problems. But what will he think of me? How can I say that? What will [individual/group/everyone] think of me? is one of my chief obstacles to action, and it would behove me to care less. I never know, anyway. Thinking of one of those problems and I am weeping in the shower, can’t see to rinse my toothbrush properly.

The inner critic says sardonically, cruelly, As if weeping ever did any fucking good.

Weeping- soap and rinse as best I can-

The inner rationalist starts to argue this. It is better than denial. It is further on.

And I– I don’t know, at any rate my throat, my vocal cords, goes No it is Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na NOT it is NOT it is NOT further on it is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT

Can’t see to use my deodorant. It is important to use my deodorant. Weeping and screaming and ROARING-

trust the process.

It is a process. Weeping is Not “further on” or “better” than denial and avoidance activity. Analysis may not do any good. Weeping may not do any good. There is a process, there is a thing, possibly even an “I” called Abigail which might- I don’t want to say “cope” “deal” “muddle through” because I don’t want to second-guess ME ALL OF ME with a bit of me

words, analysis, get in the way?

Why am I writing and publishing this? Fuck I don’t know. I want to.

I can’t tell you what the problems are, now, because you would think I am pathetic

Should I tell her I feel insulted and badly treated? When has that ever done any good? Well, it might strike home. She is supposedly a mature adult, regularly irritating me with all the wisdom-bollocks memes she shares on facebook- that wasn’t the thing I started crying about, actually- feeling better now, it is time to wash my bedding, don’t try to second-guess what next, stay in the moment-

not knowing is difficult

“Have mercy on yourself” said Menis

Actually I am proud of it. This experience comes to others. I communicate it well. Some who do not consciously resonate with my words will understand later.

8 thoughts on “Process

  1. I brush my teeth in the shower, too. My partner got me into it & now I do it regularly.

    I guess I kinda think weeping is “better” in some sense than avoidance. When we avoid or suppress feelings, we get a double dose of negativity–the painful emotion, the reaction to it. Better to weep when it’s time for weeping. You may still get the second dose (such as the thoughts about the pointlessness of weeping) but it seems diluted, or least more conscious.

    I admire your honesty in working with your mind.

    Like

    • Brushing your teeth in the shower. It’s so sensual!

      I found your post on starting therapy with your clients moving and fascinating. Thank you. I suppose I know I am upset and cannot face it, and do not want to disrespect that feeling. Then I move on to the weeping. I want to trust all the process, which I suppose means that an hour with your client skirting round the issues and facing none of them is not wasted.

      Liked by 1 person

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