“In what way is being gay a Good thing?”
Dace’s eleven questions allowed me to be creative and say what I wanted to say, and joke a bit. I am glad of them. I chafe a bit around rules on tigging- reveal eleven things about me? Circumspice, this blog is all about me, I have revealed hundreds of things about me, quotidian, strange, shameful or admirable. And- I have a question, I want to know what those I tig think, and would be grateful for any answers.
Being queer sucks. You grow up among people who are not, and do not understand it- as I find opposite sex attraction (OSA) so completely weird, I have some sympathy with that- and you try to conform, then you have such trauma over Coming Out, then it is harder to find partners, you face discrimination, you may self-censor and not go certain places because you are frightened of adverse reactions, you may experience bullying or physical violence because of who you are.
Then you find a partner and make a life for yourself and it is OK, really. You have someone you love, but then, if you were straight you might have found someone. You have friends for whom your being gay is no more objectionable than being tall or short, but then, straight people have friends too.
In what way is being gay a blessing for you? Oh, and- if you want to be tigged, consider yourself tigged.
Klimt’s original has been destroyed.
Added: DC, who lives where consensual sexual acts are punishable by up to three years’ imprisonment, writes of how hard it is. Bullying has made him stand up for himself, and celebrate individuality over conformity. His piece is brave and beautiful.
Clare Flourish 
Being gay has had a tremendous effect on my existence. Once I finally accepted it, it played a very positive role in my life. I particularly enjoyed the way it made me feel connected to people. Something I’d never felt before.
I still emotionally self-censor, but I know I do it and I work daily to extricate the prejudices I absorbed from my mind.
Being an ‘amusing’ gay, well, that propelled into directions people don’t normally explore- either because they’re not curious or because they didn’t get invited. There’s always been a place in society for the walker. For a while I was a walker. The non-threatening gay male who accompanies the neglected married woman, or the divorcée or the widow to social events. That helped shape my career. I owe my gayness a lot, from every perspective.
LikeLike
Excellent. Wonderful start: being gay takes you places you would not otherwise have gone, and lets you relate to people in a way other men do not. Thank you. And- any damage the prejudice does us, we heal from. What else?
LikeLike
It lets us see the world from a whole new perspective. We’re forced to question tradition and social norms. We get to try things and decide what works for us despite convention.
LikeLike
Being gay is “good,” no more than being not gay is “bad.” For me, it’s just something that is. I was certainly happier when I realized I was a lesbian, but that’s because suddenly all the pieces in my life just fit, it wasn’t that I was suddenly joining some “good” group when previously had been part of a “bad” one.
Rather than gay being the blessing, I think the honesty that came with it for me was the bigger blessing. People don’t like or accept my being a lesbian all the time, but once I realized that their issues about that (and the fact that I was open about it) were on them and not on me, I’ve found it easier to be honest in every other aspect of my life.
LikeLike
Yes, definitely the honesty. I have been forced to admit that I am different from my initial self-concept, and perhaps without such a great difference I could have rubbed along with a false self-concept, and never known myself. Though there are other Goads to make people find their true selves beyond the initial self-concept, besides being gay. What else?
Actually, I think you being honest is a powerful example to others. You will make it easier for them, too.
LikeLike
I think anything that wakes us from our sleepy day to day lives can be a goad. A college course on basket weaving you had to take to meet a requirement but found out you love leads you to live honestly as an artist even if your anti-art parents might not agree; being honest about your inter-racial relationship when most of the rest of the world doesn’t approve pushes you to live honestly in other areas of your life – as you said, being gay is certainly not the only thing that shifts your self awareness, but it is an important thing.
LikeLike
My “What else?” I meant as the value of being gay, rather than what else might be a goad. Oh well. Mmmm. Being an artist. Interracial relationships. My white friend had a black wife and has a teenage mixed-race daughter, and he is conscious of racism in UK society. I think it gets better here.
LikeLike
Pingback: Tagged: Is Being Gay Ever A Good Thing? « Purple Gloves
While I am not gay, I can readily identify with the whole notion of being different from the main stream populous. When one is in some way ‘different’ – meaning does not neatly fits with the milieu in which one found one-self … it always sucks! But only until such time one decides who cares, gives a finger and laughs all the way into sunset!
Take Care,
Daniela
LikeLike
Yes. Being a refugee from such trauma tests that saying “What does not kill me makes me stronger”- in your case, it seems it has. Thank you for commenting.
LikeLike
Thanks for the compliments!
LikeLike
Your post is well worth reading. Thank you for taking the time. I am getting things clearer in my own mind.
LikeLike
i kind of love it. i feel like when i’m with wifesy, i’m 100% me and i’ve been looking for that kind of acceptance and safety for all of my life. i think, in a small way, that is a completely human desire. so, in that sense, being gay brings us all closer to our own humanity. at least for me, that’s what it does. very interesting piece, clare. much love, sm
LikeLike
It is lovely to have you commenting here.
With respect:
So, the slogan for gay people would be: Being Gay. Almost as good as being Straight. In your partnership, it is utterly lovely. There is a fertility problem, but then lots of straight couples have a fertility problem and society can deal with that. But unless you have an exceptionally strong character and accepting background, coming out can be difficult.
Then there is the “grit in the oyster” celebration: being queer makes us confront and then accept our differences, which is better than being someone almost “normal”, who crushes his differences because they are too scary and not that great. Diversity, integrated, is enriching.
Pinky has what I am after: being gay gives him a different perspective, and a different way of relating to people, which is good. But then DC lives where “Sodomy” is illegal, and while he has a hope of staying out of jail, it means if someone assaults him and the police come, he is the one they arrest. And in Britain we have a residual “as long as they don’t frighten the horses” attitude- you are tolerated as long as you are not “too overtly gay”. So we dress up for Pride one weekend a year, then go back to the business suits.
Added- actually, it may be more than that. In my limited experience, relationships do work better after self-discovery and self-acceptance.
LikeLike
I’m sorry I haven’t had the space/time (continuum) to keep up with any lovely blogs…
Here’s why: http://janeanefromdesmoines.com/
My friend Jane is the lead actress, and I’ve been trying to help promote a screening next week complete with a discussion with Jane and Grace Lee, the Director. Plus my job is insane. /shrug and it keeps me out of trouble! 🙂
I wasn’t “gay” until I met and fell in love with my partner. I still don’t really identify with that label (hate labels) but believed (and still do) that there is a continuum of sexuality — on one end totally masculine and on the other end totally feminine — and that we are all born somewhere on the continuum and then may shift or be shifted along it in one direction or another. I guess I’m saying I believe humans are innately bisexual.
I don’t like the in-a-fishbowl feeling that accompanies being gay (or at least in a same-gender relationship). I certainly don’t like the judgment and rejection leveled my way (some assumed, perhaps incorrectly on my part, but some definitely overt). BUT I like the strength and grounded sense of self I’ve gained from standing through all that. A shade of DC’s strength.
And (and perhaps this is finally answering your question) — I like being with someone whose body I know like I know my own. And while we both fall in a different place on that continuum of sexuality (me different than her and each of us different on different days!), and we don’t adopt traditional gender roles, I very much like that we have a harmonious home full of mostly feminine energy. I love nesting with her.
LikeLike
Thank you. The film looks worthwhile. Have fun with it. I do love to hear from you, and- real life away from the keyboard can be good too, I understand.
I do not understand sexuality, myself, but observe that a lot of people who “understand” it really don’t. And- just as I will not assert that you were blocking or denying something in yourself before you fell in love, I think it possible that some people are one or the other. And I have found both genders, and inbetweenies, attractive.
I love the thought of your harmonious feminine nest.
And- this is something I can identify with. I was not “transsexual” until my thirties, I self-identified as transvestite. The experience of knowing as a small child- many people have that, and insist on it to show this is innate and therefore not sinful and unnatural, in the teeth of outside hostility. Many people have a box marked “transsexual” which I do not fit, and yet after ten years expressing myself female, if I am not transsexual then the word has no meaning. And- people unsafe all their lives may be suspicious of latecomers. And- we get to the stage of quiet explanation rather than panicked assertion, and others may benefit from hearing of different experiences too, which may help them understand their own.
LikeLike