I am worthless.
I am stupid. I never see the most obvious things, do not make the most obvious connections, until far later than I should. I can be completely blind to things.
I am lazy. I do not do things which should take no effort at all. I should show some self respect, and clean my house, it is a tip. Being tired or unmotivated is not an excuse.
I am weak. Yet I am confrontational. All happiness is misery, because it will pass, yet misery and depression is seeing the world as it really is, so permanent.
I am ashamed of everything: action and inaction, desire and indifference, masculinity or femininity in myself.
I have disgusting belly fat.
The inner critic speaks and I find hacks. What I want is “disgusting” and “shameful”. Very well, I look at it, smile, and say “Disgusting and shameful” appreciatively, anticipating my disgusting delight. Or I see that these unconscious responses are not serving me, and set myself to tell the truth about them- yes, I want that. It is not wrong to want it. Persuading myself against my instinct or snap judgment is difficult, time consuming, and takes energy, but is worthwhile and I improve at it. Those instincts are changing.
Yet, there is so much energy in the inner critic! The exercise was to say all that is bad about you, and I spoke continuously for two minutes, vehemently and articulately, voicing thoughts which I do not think are true yet which are in me, which control me and prevent my actions. If only I could use that energy! It has felt that I am pulling against myself, for the longest time, like an isometric exercise pushing my fists together in front of my chest and getting nowhere, like horses pulling away from a central ring to which all are tethered- sweating and straining and not moving. That vehemence- could I channel it?