Fierce joy

My spontaneous morning affirmation was,

I am an adult.
I shall live free.

I see myself as separate parts:

The ordinary I. This is the part of me which is conscious, what I have habitually thought of as “me”.

The real self or inner child. When I get into the moment, I am in the true self. I can talk from this space.

The adjusted child. This can be the default: the controlling parent is in control, I placate and propitiate it, it is not conscious because it does not need to be to get its needs met. I noticed when at work more than ten years ago that I was more concerned with maintaining my internal emotional equanimity than achieving results in the real world. This seemed insane to me, but I could not change it.

The controlling parent. I introjected my mother. This part of me is mostly rage and terror. Even though my mother is dead, it is terrified of her, as The Monster or the threat of my death. So it controls me in an effort to be the person she would want me to be, so that I would be safe from her. When I begin to emerge from its control it tries to suppress me, then mocks or rages at me. I felt it as a power stopping me from speaking. Then I heard it as a voice in my head saying “You can’t say that!” Or, “How could you be so stupid?” And now I can speak from the real self, and it does not or cannot stop me; and sometimes, still I am in the adjusted child mode, controlled by it.

The controlling parent holds my anger, which is almost entirely directed inwards at me. I fear my anger, and suppress it. I am unconscious of anger at others until it bursts out of me, I am out of control, I hurt others and they retaliate or seek to control me, or leave me.

I knew the true self needs access to my anger to be free. So I need to reconcile the controlling parent and real self. The real self is as nondual as I can get, in the moment, aware of its own perceptions, and not all of them, particularly not my anger.

I read the Six essential recovery tasks, which are at the bottom of this page after other treasures, and had to stop. I found them revolting and incomprehensible. What? Retaliation as in “eye for an eye”? And after living with them, this morning they made sense to me.

“The motivating force being inhibited is the talionic response. This instinctive rage towards people who have caused us harm has been forcefully inhibited.”

Yes.

I need to unblock this energy and safely express it. There is rage about my mother’s enslavement of me, and anger now at various things.

With Kate M weeks ago I meditated on queer Pride, and had an inkling of beautiful energy. And then this morning I affirmed myself:

I am an adult.
I shall live free.

Then I had a clear and terrifying thought.

I want to own my own anger so that instead of directing it inwards at myself or lashing out I felt it, and used its energy for good. If the price of that is reverting and living male, I will pay it.

I felt the power. I identified it as seen in me specifically, and generally seen in the culture, as Masculine. I wanted this power so much that if that means being male, very well, I will be male.

I don’t think I have to. I can be my feminine self, my true self, holding and wielding this power.

To an ACA Schematic meeting. Here I see an image claiming that the crown chakra deals with cosmic energy and is blocked by ego attachment. I do not want that nondual awareness of everything all the time. I want a sane ego, which can pay attention as needed. I want the controlling parent to let go of its terror of me departing from my mother’s will, and its rage at me when I do, and turn that rage against my mother for betraying and enslaving me, for as long as I need. I felt

fierce joy.

I shared on it.

My habit and instinct, inherited from my parents, is to hide away and not be seen. I attempt to appear “normal” so nobody notices me. Early in my spiritual journey, I realised I wanted to be fully conscious of my feelings so that I would not express them and no-one would notice them, and I thought that was mad but could not get beyond it.

This instinct to hide away could be rationalised to appear like “be actors not reactors”. But it misses out “be actors”. I want to feel the anger, but also at least to consider the possibility of using its energy to achieve something. Hiding is as if it is never OK to use it. Acting means using it.

Whatever anyone else can do, whatever the reason- possibly because of my hormone history- I can’t suppress anger.

I want to be able to use it, for my good. If I can’t, I murder myself.

I want to be of use. Trans women have the use of being a cat to kick. If you’re about to be sent to prison, and you are desperate, you can still look down on me. You’re deluding yourself, but knock yourself out. Alternatively, if you are icked out by your boss wanting you to go for a drink and touching your shoulder but you need the job, and you had some ghastly experiences with grown men when you were a teenager, you can spend endless time on social media complaining about “trans-identified males” and honing the arguments why we should not be in women’s spaces, and how we are complete monsters.

Or we could be of use in facing experiences like I have had today, on the knife-edge or tightrope of gender, and discussing them, even though I fear this may be used to call me masculine, not really trans or clearly not a woman. We could open out understanding of variant gender, showing it to be fascinating and beautiful rather than an oppressive threat, and help everyone understand their gender.

I ask myself, can I be angry with M? Then I start making moral arguments. When J did to her more or less what she did to me, she acted against him. So I could use the moral principle of universalisability against her. But that’s a mistake.

Can I be angry with M? Yes. The moral arguments are irrelevant to that. They are only relevant to what I might do about it.

Can I be angry with my mother? I can think of all sorts of reasons why she could do no better than she did, and I owe her gratitude because she gave me life as my biological parent. And still, she hurt me so badly I am still damaged by it. Yes I can be angry.

I clearly have a lot of work to do on integrating my different selves, and getting them working together. But, I have taken a huge step forward.

Later: I had this huge emotional experience, which I believe is liberating, and now I am analysing. My first thought on expressing anger was, is it justifiable? But that is not the issue. A free human being feels their feelings, so I should be able to feel anger however justifiable or not. Feeling the anger, I am able to feel appreciation and joy at encountering such a marvellous human.

But, when considering what to do about it, the question is not, is it justifiable, for that implies that the person I am angry with will be entirely reasonable or that there is some authority I can appeal to. The question is, can I use it to achieve something, reasonably safely and effectively. That is a question of power and status, possibly even physical strength.

And- I don’t want to frighten anyone, certainly not a woman who sees me in a loo. Certain vulnerable women might be frightened seeing me there. But, if you think the solution is to exclude me from women’s spaces, or if you think her fear is my problem to sort out, because I am not really a woman or for whatever reason, then you are treating me as worth less than her, my needs as less important, and you are prejudiced however reasonable you think yourself.

So there.

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