A fountain of love

I am a fountain of love. I did not know it. I know it now.

We are all connected to each other, says Jamie Catto. Under the ego there is I Am Who I Am, a field of love and trust and peace. We can be conscious and present in this love, through all the drama of the world.

We are addicted. We are conditioned to run from uncomfortable feelings, or to suppress them. We project our feelings onto others. When we get angry it can be wildly disproportionate to the provocation, because old anger is coming up for us.

Jamie’s mantra is “It’s no big deal”. “I don’t mind what happens.” And, we can discharge all that pent-up emotion, all the uncried tears, if we permit ourselves to really feel and accept them.

He says, the things that trigger us, that we fixate on, are opportunities for our bodies to discharge that old emotion, and see where the blocks and wounds are, what needs healed and integrated.

The exercise was to picture three things in your life that trigger you, and I thought, I have managed to arrange my life so that I am rarely triggered. If I do not want to do something I withdraw, and I have withdrawn to my flat so I rarely go out. Instead, I meditated on my life now.

I have no right to be here. What if, instead of the Terrifying Threat, that was just a neutral truth? I am queer. That too. Just- how things are. Part of the incomprehensible, humorous, wonder of life. And yet I am here.

When I think on this, the bottom falls out of my world. All that I relied on for safety is gone, and I am facing immediate annihilation. Again. So the thing that triggers me is the threat of Going Outside and seeing people. Everything and everyone outside my living room.

Where is it in my body- chiefly in my upper back, that tension. Whenever I face that question that is the part of my body that I am aware of. Even though I am aware of the position and feelings in my body generally- that feeling eclipses all.

What do I want, and where is my desire to hide away now. I have gone with it begrudgingly, and I have judged and shamed it. Mary Oliver wrote, “Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves”.

I am not safe. There is the terrifying threat- I could die at any moment- and the rush of exhilaration- I am still here! There are no rules. There is no safety. There is Love and joy and wonder. There is continual fascination and interest. There is Sufficiency.

Suddenly I am thinking of the trolley problem, my own variant. You are too far away to push the Fat Man into the way of the trolley and save the five; but if you shoot him in the back of the head with your high powered sniper rifle, he will fall in its path and stop it. Why am I thinking of this? I give it a moment, to bubble up from unconsciousness. It is my Rage strong enough to kill- to annihilate.

I am the centre of the universe. The power of God is available to me. It is Creative Love.

Together, these two seem infinite to me, the rage and the Love. Far greater than one body or psyche could hold, and so I suppress them below consciousness much of the time.

I am God. The soft animal of my body. The eternal conundrum which I want to rationally understand using words. Let it love what it loves, without judgment or suppression.

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All desire for spiritual advancement creates fantasies of how that advancement might happen, which get in its way. “Unless I love myself nothing good will come to me” is a limiting belief. If I were spiritually advanced, I would be happy in the Now. Yet, the mind or spirit inexorably grows and heals, and understands, without conscious awareness or planning influencing it, any more than I need to will a cut in my skin to heal.

I see that when I am present in the moment, I feel Joy.

It is a sudden realisation:

I am doing all I can
to protect and love myself
to create beauty
and express love in the world.

We are all unique expressions of Love.

It is a matter of how I see myself and the world, for that creates my reality. I move from seeing myself in Lack, failing to understand, fighting for existence, towards seeing that I am a being of Love, creating beauty and expressing my love in the world. What I do, now, is enough. There will be more.

Love is my nature, my being and doing.

I am in the world, so feel fear and uncertainty, there are things I want and do not have- but this is OK, and I am OK. I don’t need anyone to be other than they currently are. You can be authentic. You don’t have to pretend.

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Three times I have been so stressed by work that I have been unable to carry on. Now, I am involved in the work for trans rights, and on Sunday morning I draft a complaint to the BBC. It is so much work! What good does it do? Should I just try to ignore all the hate, and find interest elsewhere? When I see the hate I am driven to stand against it, and this hurts me.

In the Quaker meeting, I consider my understanding of being in the image of God. I am loving, creative, beautiful. Now, I omit “powerful”. It is reasonable to spend the energy of a day standing up for what is right. I spend my energy. I might expect to be distressed by the effort it takes and the nastiness I work against.

I was considering giving up, thinking it was too much for me. The problem is that part of me that demands that tasks are nothing to me, that makes me go at any task with my whole heart without thought of tiredness, and runs from any uncomfortable feelings. Underneath that is “the inward source of my strength”.

I speak in ministry: Our concept of the external God, The Father Almighty, omniscient, omnipotent, may distort our view of That of God in every one. For me, God within is loving creative beautiful, more like Mary Oliver’s phrase “Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves”. I am a fountain of Love, and I am not almighty, but soft.

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