beta male

If you are considering transition, I would not go as far as to say Don’t- but ask yourself, “Am I a beta male? Can I enjoy that, and not transition?” I am suffering transition Regret at the moment. But first, what is a beta male?

Here’s Evan Marckatz, a man who explains men to women. A woman asks about the “total sweetheart” “beta-male” she’s dating. She wants to “take control” but resists the urge because the Guru has advised otherwise. The Guru tells her that advice only applies to alpha males. “He’ll be thrilled that you’re taking control”. If that’s what you want, have fun!

“Is his behaviour normal?” is the headline. The answer implied is that it is not Alpha but quite within normal range.

I first heard the term as the heading of Robert Crampton‘s family life column in The Times, shortly after my Op. I have no idea why he chose the title. I first heard someone say it of himself in November: he meant happy with his emotions and not pretending to be macho, I think.

When I clicked Google’s favoured result, the site started opening new windows on sports betting and I shut it down. A beta male is the opposite to an alpha male, the difference is the mindset. We listed lot of Beta male characteristics and traits you must avoid to be an alpha male. Make sure to read all this article. We Don’t Want You to be is The guy who Scared of his own desires the man who is. “Traits you must avoid”- how to tie someone up in even more knots. This is toxic masculinity at its worst, men denying themselves to pretend to be some macho monster, the only acceptable emotions are anger and contempt. There is nothing to learn here, just scared men projecting their weakness onto others, disparaging it, and getting more and more afraid of their true selves.

Urban Dictionary gives a variety of results. To have your wife be more of a man than you. That is silly. What does “man” mean, anyway? James Bond. What? The type of guy who doesn’t flex, attempt to demonstrate his self worth in obnoxious or superficial ways, but instead exercises real life control; without announcement, or for the sake of publicity. That is, someone who is not a bully or show-off but still masculine and effective.

This is more like it: A man who is content with nontraditional gender roles; i.e., he is not threatened by intelligent and/or powerful women, and he does not have to be in control of every situation to maintain his sense of self…The beta male doesn’t buy in to the basest stereotypes about male behavior, and that’s hugely sexy. It is all about different ways of relating. Sensitive, nurturing, conflict-averse communicators make great partners, says Salon.

I would not suggest anyone should avoid transition, hormones or surgery if that is what they want, but they might consider “beta-male” as a way of expressing their true selves without all that trouble. There is confusion about what it means- people say, “Not alpha-male” and mean “Not a real man” or “Not infected with toxic masculinity”; people extend it to mean any man aware and unafraid of feeling, rather than particularly feminine men. But there is a start at positive language, appreciating not denigrating.

I am in a state of regret. I am still taking the paracetamol. I want relationship, and imagining that it might have been possible but for my transition casts me into misery, frustration, despair. And- transition was how I managed to be myself, how I avoided suicide, what I wanted more than anything else in the world, my own decision, the only way forward I could see at the time, and probably I am too feminine to fit “beta-male” anyway.

Urban Dictionary. Evan Marckatz.

Continued: Beta Male II.

Bouguereau, Dante and VIrgil

25 thoughts on “beta male

    • Inevitably anyone with an independent mind must become ‘one who resists or opposes authority or established conventions’: a rebel. If enough people come to agree with, and follow, the Rebel, we now have a Devil. Until, of course, still more people agree. And then, finally, we have — Greatness.

      Do you like the picture?

      Liked by 1 person

  1. You bring up so many interesting points in this! My man is very beta, and it was very refreshing for me to find someone so down-to-earth, open, and modest. Unfortuantely, we’re both very beta, so we spend a lot of time being indecisive together!
    One thing you said really hit me hard–the fear that choices you’ve made in expressing who you are could hurt your chances at finding a relationship. I know a few people who have transitioned and are in happy, healthy, open relationships–in fact, most of the trans people I know are! (And that’s more than I can say for many of my cis friends!) However, I think that universally the more honest we are, the more others can find to object to. It’s a question of whether we want broad, less suitable options, or narrow, more suitable ones–we can find more people who “love” us by pretending to be what everyone wants, but we can only find real love by revealing our true selves.

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  2. The alpha – beta thing has some elements of truth but is kind of a dead end as far as happiness is concerned. The real question should be “what makes a virtuous man”. Not everyone can be big, muscular and outgoing. Everyone can exercise goodness to some degree.
    I’m on record as saying sex changes are a horrible idea but you should not feel you have to make more changes. There is no obligation. Be at peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beautifully expressed as always, and I disagree with almost all of it.

      There is not just one kind of “virtuous man” (or person). We are leaders and followers, extroverts or introverts, and we can fit to roles in a situation: so what is good for one person would be wrong for another to attempt. It is not just “goodness” but effectiveness in ones own interests (without harming others) and generosity/altruism that count.

      Though yes, “What would I have done had I known all I know now” is a completely useless question, and more changes will not necessarily bring happiness.

      In about five or six hours, Juno will begin a deceleration burn to enter orbit round Jupiter. Is that not Wonderful?

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  3. Love seems to have a chemical rather than a mathematical character to me. Beware of anyone who says they ‘would’ love you ‘if’. It’s controlling. I don’t believe this equation plays any part in love’s obscure workings:

    (x + named variables) + y = love

    The person listing the variable(s) just doesn’t know.

    We just have to accept that love and attraction is a little mystical. ‘I would love you if…’ is often said with the best motives (to let someone down gently, to stress an affinity, or to explain the unexplainable – why we love this person and not that one) but watching you struggle with the ideas naturally raised, it seems like a great cruelty.

    Great news about Juno and Jupiter – now that’s a cosmic love story!

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    • It was never as clear as she “would love me if“. The chemistry was strong at first, and then there was other stuff, and she was quite clear Love was impossible, on several occasions. And if I am attracted to women who are manipulative and controlling, I can hardly complain if they are controlling and manipulative. Nor should I try to escape or deny my own responsibility. A year ago I decided this experience would give me far more pain than pleasure, and it was still the experience I wanted, and I am glad of it. There is no point in regretting the past, especially steps which are quite irrevocable, and my hurt is healing.

      I am delighted by Juno safely orbiting Jupiter; and thank you for your wise words. (For the complete avoidance of doubt there is no irony there.)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Clare. Its difficult to see the “regret” word in one of your posts.

    A very good friend who transitioned several years ago felt she was shunned by the lesbian community but also did not want to associate with transwoman (she said it would just get her clocked by association). Like you, she was gorgeous then and still is. Her depression kept sliding her farther down. I kept telling her that the right person would come to her when she least expected it. She kept denying that this would ever happen. Well, it did, and – finally – she found the person I hope she will be spending the rest of her life with.

    If suicide was your only option prior to transition, then certainly de-transitioning is not the answer. Like many transwomen, you have gone through some tough times…..struggling for employment and love. You do have your faith, however, so stick with it. All of this will just make you a stronger woman in the end. The job and the love will come.

    Calie

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    • I am not going to revert. I regret because of that particular situation: and I am in recovery. And the questions are unanswered:

      • what stops trans women from living as feminine men?
      • what makes us desire vaginoplasty: being really female, or social pressure?

      The second can’t be answered until transphobia is eradicated, but there is an attitude that post-op trans is more acceptable than other trans.

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      • What stops trans women from living as feminine men? For me, and several I know who have since transitioned, they were just the opposite prior to transition. They were good actors. They played the part of macho men. A good Scottish friend who has since transitioned was certainly NOT the beta male. She was married and an alpha male on the outside but she was also had her stash of clothes up in the attic that she used to feel the real woman in her. Now, she’s gorgeous and happily with a man. I stay in my male form for the sake of love, marriage and family. It’s a daily, sad, inner fight that I experience every day of my life. I have a career in the media. I am recognized sometimes in public. For all of these reasons, “act” the alpha male part. Sad, isn’t it?

        What makes us desire vaginoplasty: being really female, or social pressure? I have lots of trans friends, locally. Obviously, I don’t have the answer to this question but I do have two comments. (1) I have desired to rid myself of my male bits as far back as I can remember…..way before I ever met anyone else who was trans. Before the internet, before support groups. (2) At dinner one night with a group of like minded (all dressed in male attire), one asked me this question: “Why would you ever want to cut it off?” The question was from a crossdresser. I explained my feelings and also explained that the procedure is not quite “cutting it off”.. About three years later, she went to Thailand with two other local friends and they all had their surgeries. I tend to feel that there may have been some social pressure, but I’ll probably never know what was really going on in their heads.

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