To see oursels as ithers see us…
I fear that your lawyer’s mind is far too supple and devious for me to cope with; it is, indeed, beyond my ken. Oh dear. So our friendship is over, and he does not want to see me again. He continues, his position was there were no absolute moral laws or absolute moral values. I think you agree with him. My contempt for him knew no bounds.
Our disagreement was about tactical voting. In 2010, at the election, the Tory majority in my constituency was 1,951. At the by-election, the Labour majority on a much reduced turnout was 7,791. I read somewhere that the likelihood of a Tory victory was 12%, a suspiciously precise figure and too high for my liking. The other candidates are unlikely to win. I proposed voting Labour, because the Labour candidate is preferable to the liar.
R resigned from the Green Party because he was considering voting tactically in the neighbouring constituency. He thought it dishonourable of me to consider voting for another party while remaining a member.
Well, I don’t. I don’t want a Tory MP, so want to use my vote in the best way to prevent that. My reason for voting Green would be that I favour their policies, and want to improve their national vote share, not because I think I could elect an MP. I also support the party with my membership, being part of the “Green Surge” and such leafleting as I have been doing (not a lot) in a neighbouring constituency. I am unsure whether my favouring the Greens is Moral, in the interests of the Country, or merely self-interested.
So I looked at him on Tuesday, as he expressed his disgust for my considering voting tactically, and wondered whether to explain. He counselled against, as it might increase his disgust. He thought of walking out, there and then. I thought of lying by stating that I would vote Green, definitely, or even changing my voting intention, but something, whether pride or morals, made me dislike these ideas. His email ending our friendship came on Thursday.
I find this deeply hurtful and inexplicable. I thought of phoning my friend with the Aspergers husband, but that would do no good: it is not because of Aspergers, nor can she necessarily get me a handle on how he will behave. I want him to back down on this, but can’t see any particular way to make him so will not respond.
The considerations are so small. My vote will have negligible effect, and I am unsure I want a Labour MP: Labour needing SNP support would be better than a Labour majority. Yet it matters to me, and I do not want to be told what to do.
I emailed the woman who ended her friendship with me, and had a moderately friendly exchange of emails.
Clare Flourish 
I get a horrible, hollow feeling in my stomach when someone ends a friendship. For it to be done so in writing is also beyond doubt, so rather harder to cope with than the usual brush off, the non-committal excuse that means, ‘you are not my friend any more.’
Simply, I cannot understand this kind of cut off any more. A friend is not just there to give us moral support, but to love us with all our faults, all our disagreements and all our mixed confusions. To expect friendship to mean, ‘We match, and we mean the same to each other’ is both naïve and stupendously dull. Where is the challenge in a mere mutual admiration society?
Lots of love from me, always. XX 😀
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I have observed Richard “falling out” beforehand, and when he fell out with his vicar before coming to the Quakers I found the cause insufficient. I decided I did not understand, but now feel he falls out because he has not learned to set stable boundaries.
The week before, he confessed some of his OCD obsessions to me. I felt trusted. He might, after, have felt vulnerable.
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Yes! I have encountered this too. After a particularly intimate confession from a stranger, he can hardly bear eye contact and leaves shortly afterwards. Nothing to be done about that, unfortunately.
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Another explanation, though, is that he considers voting against the party of which one is a member a dishonourable breaking of a promise. When he considered voting Labour he resigned from the Green party. I suppose it is arguable. The promise is implied by joining the party.
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This may sound cold but it is true. If you lose a friend all you can do is let them go. Others will come along in time. As for the one you lost, all you can do is hope they come back around.
As for what broke up the friendship, as a citizen you have to do what is best for your country. If that is playing the game, then so be it.
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I see nothing I can do to encourage him to come round, so will leave that to him. I thought of mockery. “Come now, don’t be silly”. I don’t think I want to get back at him.
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I love a good sarcastic reply to just about anything but in this case I just don;t see how it would help.
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When we had a First Past the Post (FFP) voting system system I often agonised over who to vote for. Whether to vote for the candidate representing the party I was most closely aligned with, or to vote for the candidate that was most likely to defeat candidate of the party I disliked the most. In my younger days I voted on principle and voted for the candidate of the party I preferred, but when that party gained 20% of the vote nationwide and still failed to gain a seat in Parliament, I decided it made more sense to vote tactically. However, I was always uncomfortable doing so.
When Aotearoa New Zealand switched to a Mixed Member Proportional system (MMP) in 1996, The discomfort ended. I could vote for the party I most preferred knowing that my vote counted, yet was still able to vote for the candidate I believed would do the best job in Parliament, irrespective of party affiliation.
As for someone ending a friendship on a matter of politics, I’m dumbfounded. Respect for another’s decision, even if one disagrees with it is paramount in a friendship. It makes me think that the friendship was based on the fact that you agreed with his points of view politically, instead of valuing you as a person.
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He has certain mental health vulnerabilities. It is possible that he has difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries. When he told me of some of his obsessive compulsions, it made me happy because it felt like a sign of trust, but possibly it was threatening for him.
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And- Welcome. Thank you for commenting and following. I hope we can soon have some form of proportional voting system, though not the single member constituency Alternative Vote system which we rejected in a referendum, which does not necessarily offer a more proportionate result than FPP.
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