NO.
I am rebelling against this. The examples which come to mind are Alastair Hall and Jacques Mesrine, at least as he appeared in the films. I can label it weak and stupid, and at best as groping in the dark.
It is a No to returning to the CAB. At least for now. It may be a No to other things, but I am not sure.
And it feels like Me speaking. Me, my wants, my feelings, my integrity. All of me but for my inner critic, in fact.
———–
I could make a case for it. I am trained as a lawyer, and good with words. And- I could pick a hole in any case I made.It is an emotional No, and needs no rational justification.
Mesrine is the hero of those films. Yes, he is a monster, a murderer, a thief, who produced nothing of value apart, perhaps, from his book, and bad things happened to those who approached him or befriended him-
and he has a certain tenacity, his spirit was not broken by a gaol designed to break hard men
and he refused that safe job. He came back from Algeria, which the French sought to hold, and where he first killed, and he refused to fit in to Society, with the Normal people, doing Normal things. He took what he wanted. He knew the level of respect he was entitled to- “MEY-rine”, he shouted at the judge.
That is not all, it does not work by itself, but it is part of what-
Alastair Hall had great charm when I worked for him, and a roar which terrified me. When I went to give evidence against him at the Scottish Solicitor’s Discipline Tribunal- the hearing did not proceed, as his representative successfully argued that he was unduly prejudiced by the delay in bringing the complaint- I wanted him to succeed. I did not then know he was a thief.
My choice of role-models shows how uncomfortable I am about this.
———
They had something I want. I am not sure what else I want, or what this might mean, or what to do with it, or what comes next, or anything, and my What will people think! still terrifies and paralyses me-
and I have my
NO.
Clare Flourish 
I’m glad you’re practicing NO. A good way to work on boundaries. You go girl!
LikeLike
Thank you for that. Boundaries. Yes. So frightening, difficult, necessary. Even, perhaps I hole myself up as I do because it is one way I can create boundaries. I can get better at this.
LikeLike
Yes you can. But perhaps as you get better, have healthy boundaries that still allow you to be out in the world. You do have a LOT of talent to share!
LikeLike
Oh Cathy, I do not want to “end up” like this. It appears to me that I am extrovert, enjoying company, though you would not know it from my chosen isolation. And- I have forced myself into the World, unkindly, and now take the time I need.
LikeLike