I can make a fuss

In Internal Family Systems, we find unconscious parts of ourselves which could not deal with a situation we were in, or the feelings that evoked, so blanked it from consciousness. The unconscious part, the “Exile”, is defended by a “Protector”, a way we react: it comes forth when the Exile is reminded of its shame. Others call this a Trigger.

In finding the Exile and helping it process the emotion about the original trauma, Richard Schwartz asks what age the exile thinks the person is. The exile’s understanding is frozen at the age of the trauma: if it occurred when I was three, then the exile thinks I am three. So, we find out what age I was when the trauma happened.

Then we tell it how old I actually am. I am 57, able to accept and process the emotions, and having a particular view of the trauma- it was unfair and wrong and I do not have to tolerate such things. So the protector is unnecessary. Well done, good and faithful servant, now relax. The exile is integrated, the trigger is disarmed, the person has a quantum of healing.

For two people to be perfectly attuned and also both free may be impossible. Our relationship ruptures, and when we repair it we strengthen it. I saw a presentation by Mali Parke on anger. She explained when there is a breach without repair, one will descend through stages: from social engagement into fight/flight, or activation; then freeze, where the body is tense; and finally enter immobilisation, seeing no possible action to take. Immobilisation is a major component of depression. Repair means getting back to social engagement.

This is a post about joy, liberation and empowerment. There is one bit which is disgusting: I ingested a long hair or fibre, and in the shower I felt it extruding from my bottom. I pulled on it until it all came out. I felt disgust and discomfort, but also an imperative for my survival:

I must not make a fuss.

I must not discuss this. I must not even show any feeling about it. Now, I have no recollection about such an experience before, and it is disgusting (my feelings are valid) but not in itself traumatising or life-changing: in my ideal understanding of emotions in the living human I could feel disgust and then move on. But I also felt that imperative.

I felt a need to process this with Kate. I did not want to discuss the hair, which provoked my inner conflict, but the conflict itself. I can’t get it out of my mind. I feel I ought to be able to feel disgust, process the feeling, move on. Or to just suppress the feeling and move on. Instead I want to talk about the feelings, in order to process them. But I can’t meet her eyes.

Part of me is telling me not to make a fuss. However another part believes Self could process the feeling and move on but for the protector which demands that I don’t make a fuss, don’t be conscious of the feeling or show it.

What does the protector (or Exile, whatever, the distinction is unclear now) need?

It is immobilised. I am moved to act this out: I curl up on the floor. What do I need? Not reassurance, but to be told that my feelings matter. How old is that part? I do not know. Rather than tell it I am 57, I say I am adult now, and can create beautiful things that people love.

And- I have a partner who loves me! I can make a fuss!

Only then could I tell her about the hair. Starting this story with the hair feels like a sign of liberation.

In March 2023 the exile was too young for an age in years to be meaningful. When I said, “I am old enough to go out, get food, come home, prepare and eat it” that produced a relaxation in me, a relief. It felt right. In Chichester Cathedral I felt constrained, possibly immobilised, and an age statement seemed irrelevant, as I was enmeshed until age 30. Saying I am 57 does not, by itself, indicate greater power or agency. Instead, I have come up with a statement about myself, now, which mitigates the hurt.

I am able to make decisions about where I go and what I do.

That produces the same quantum of relief.

I have a number of these affirmations:
I am old enough to go out, get food, come home, prepare and eat it
I can create beautiful things that people love
I have a partner who loves me, who will accept and help me process my feelings
I can make a fuss
I am able to make decisions about where I go and what I do

In each, I am saying what the Exile needs to hear in order to feel safe. “I am 57”- that is, I am an adult, able to move through the world as an adult- is the IFS equivalent, but when it is not enough for me these bespoke affirmations heal the Exile and bring it home. Then, I am looking out through my own eyes is an assertion that the Exile is home and free.

My partner loves me. I can process my feelings with her. If this co-dependency, it is not a bad kind. I am human. I need relationship. Possibly, having ruptured my relationship with tout le monde when I depended on my mother and became enmeshed, I am repairing it through Kate now. I can respect and love myself if I can connect and experience her respect and love. Possibly a therapist could help me heal, with love- or even with clearly perceiving and accepting, valuing, me, and communicating that.

My friend does not like affirmations. They feel like something she is supposed to believe- some off the peg concept that will make her improve, such as, “Every day in every way I get better and better”. This is different: it is the truth about the adult that the exile, the lost child within, needs to hear.

I have guessed the affirmation I need, and felt it freeing and empowering me. I have guessed an affirmation for another, seen her relax as she welcomes it and feels its truth, and it is one of the most delightful experiences I have had.

Then I ask the person to imagine themself as that lost child, hugging this big, beautiful adult that they are now, feeling held and supported by that adult, as well as imagining themself as the adult hugging the lost child. She was lost, and is found.