I was thinking of calling this post “enlightened consciousness, wakened awareness and the unmasked Self” but thought that just a wee bit pretentious. I have three concepts of me as a mature human being, which I glimpse through a glass darkly, and may experience from time to time. My question is, how are they connected and how useful are they?
The first is my organismic self, me behind the mask. Through late 1998 I had the idea of a “vulnerable bit” of me, hidden away, and at a counselling class in February 1999 I had a clear sense of being just that in that moment, without the masks. Then I thought of that part of me as the Real Me rather than the vulnerable bit. A poem came to me in which that part was Female, though that did not mean that transitioning to expressing myself female was the way to liberate her entirely. It was just the necessary first step. And at the time I found transitioning ridiculous and terrifying, so just got angry with the thought and suppressed it again.
The second is me in the moment, that heightened sensibility when I can really see Heaven in a wild flower. With practice and desire, I can drop into this mode quite easily. Perhaps a sensory input, running my fingertips along a surface and being aware of that feeling, being aware of the physical sensations of my torso and limbs, will bring it on.
The third is that feeling of being connected with the whole of Existence, of being my part in the pattern, which I sometimes get in the Quaker meeting. Oh, and being without my illusions and those desires not to feel fear or anger which get in my way.
It seems to me that I am stripping away Civilisation. First those restrictions on being myself because it is dangerous, and then the replacement ways of being and doing, created by convention and cobbled together and worried over.
Miriam Louisa quotes UG Krishnamurti. Do look at the whole thing, because he also names errors one can make in the search for authenticity. He ends,
What you are looking for does not exist.
You would rather tread an enchanted ground
with beatific visions of a radical transformation
of that non-existent self of yours
into a state of being which is conjured up
by some bewitching phrases.
That takes you away from your natural state
– it is a movement away from yourself.
To be yourself requires extraordinary intelligence.
You are ‘blessed’ with that intelligence;
nobody need give it to you,
nobody can take it away from you.
He who lets that express itself in its own way is a natural man.
And my question is, if I can attain this in contemplative mood, can I be like that while actually doing stuff?
This is post number 200.