My responses to trauma have protected me. With them, I have been unfit for work; they have made me behave in ways which appear unproductive or unhealthy, and I have hated myself for them. Only by loving my own responses can I begin to understand them, find their value, and find a way through the trauma. The names I have for these behaviours frame them as problematic. I want to rename them, to see the value of them; see how they are responses to trauma, not proof I am bad.
I read that the polyvagal theory of Stephen Porges from 1994 is not endorsed by current social neuroscience, but I love his concept of a ventral vagal state. Whatever brain processes are going on, I have experienced a relaxed, engaged way of being with people. Call that social engagement. I seek it at the start of the Quaker meeting, being with these people, here, now, calm, relaxed, receptive to what is in them and what is in me. Possibly, from this state, as a pastoral care Friend I might see the spoken ministry which will bring us together.
I heard of “Fight/flight”, where adrenalin flows, and the body prepares for physical action. Call that active engagement. As I understand it from Iain McGilchrist’s work, the person, having an immediate task to perform, uses the left-brain to perform that task. I am conscious of objects, even perhaps of people, as tools or obstructions rather than as people, or as things in their own right. With a harsh inner critic, I went into this activation to get anything done, at the price of being constantly stressed. However, a single-minded focus on tasks has value.
Then there is freeze, the human/mammal/tetrapod/eukaryote finding nothing it can do to improve its situation so it becomes still. Perhaps “immobilisation” is a stronger state of this; my motivation goes. My inner critic finds that its screaming, to raise up the energy of anger and fear into active engagement, no longer works. I am “depressed”, unable to get myself moving. This is clearly a bad state to be in. It must be my fault. I should snap out of it. It is sick in the sense we condemn, rather than sick in a way that we provide help and care for.
It is withdrawal. It is a sane reaction to an insane situation. It may be a reaction arising from childhood experience: another person reminds me of my parents in such a way that I freeze. It may not relate to my current circumstances. It is a trauma response. My inner critic still rages at me to get up and get on, and I just don’t.
I want to love and value that response. It protected me. In the last fourteen years it has given me the space to relax, find how the inner critic response was not working, and let out my inner light. And now, I want to see when that immobilisation is triggered, and love and accept it. This is where I am. I want not to fear it so much. I want to know what evokes it in me.
I use addictive responses to dull awareness. I am glad I use social media- had I turned to alcohol I might have brain damage by now. The inner critic, panicking, nags me to get up and get on. The nagging does not work any more- I functioned on rage and terror until I stopped. Increasingly, I find things I find beautiful which motivate me by attraction.
Clare Flourish 
thank you – very helpful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow, what a powerful piece of self reflection. I’m not even sure if I can “do” self reflection, but if I did, I doubt I’d have the courage to share it. You have my respect.
LikeLike
Autism was framed as a disability, and now more and more it is seen as valuable difference, a worthwhile different perspective. Similarly, I want my freeze and immobility to be seen as a worthwhile response, what my whole self-process needed for healing. Why is the person responding in this way? What value has it? What do they need? If our needs are met, our gifts can flourish for the good of everyone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Understanding our triggers can help us to resolve any trauma which may have entered our lives. Continual introspection is almost mandatory where we stop at everything that makes us freeze up and we examine the fear response closely. It is difficult enough when you are not transgender but bring this way only adds another wrinkle which complicates our task of raising ourselves up.
I have worked a lot at removing myself from a coordinate system I was taught from a very young age to accept as a normal baseline and I examine my feelings with more kindness towards the self. There is much less criticism involved and I accept what I feel as valid like never before. Here the perspective that comes with aging has helped me tremendously.
LikeLike
That is beautiful. Yes. Thank you.
LikeLike
you’re welcome :))
LikeLike