Control freak

I would rather not be upset. I would rather not be upset at that.

My gas boiler, which should provide heating and heat water, is only providing heating, though as I type the plumber is fixing it. Turning the hot tap on, I hear the rush of a flame, but no heat gets to the water. So yesterday and today I had an all over wash after boiling a kettle, which in a bathroom at 10°C is not fun.

I phoned the landlord’s agent, who said she would call the landlord about sorting it and call me back. I told her, don’t phone my mobile. I keep my mobile switched off. She said OK. Later, I thought, I should probably switch on the mobile, they will have called that. I will watch this TV programme then I will check it for messages. Before I did, the plumber came. I would have preferred my front room tidy for him- though I did not tidy though I knew he would probably come. And I did not switch on the mobile before, though I knew they would call it. I have just called them again to tell them to delete the mobile number from their records, and phone the land line.

I am upset that things have not gone as I would have wished even though the main thing I wished- getting my hot water back- has happened; I could have tidied earlier; it does not matter that the agent called the mobile except that I requested them not to, because it is not normally switched on. So I am upset that they called the mobile because I wanted it otherwise, and I have not behaved rationally- tidying the mess- and upset that I am upset at something which should be so trivial. If I were to get a job, I would either be overwhelmed by similar irritations, or find a way to sublimate them. I don’t know.

I went to Charing Cross, had blood tests, and on the advice of an endocrinologist my GP has just cut my hormone intake. How I feel about this-

-Messing about with my hormones can only set me off
-A change in hormone ingestion may initially unsettle me, but because it is the endocrinologist’s decision can only do good in the medium term
– they don’t know, and nothing they do will do any good

can actually affect how I am, and even my actual hormone levels.

By acting as if what I wanted- agent phones my landline not my mobile- would happen, rather than what I knew would happen, I caused any negative effects, and lessened my control. I understand how I thwarted myself, and at the time I partially understood how I was thwarting myself, and that particularly worries me.