Reassurance II

I want to comfort you, to reassure, to give confidence, courage and hope.

Most of my audience is trans. 7% of my page views are for one post, on Tucking, which gets most searches and is probably responsible for my worldwide reach- readers in Mongolia and Greenland, Guam and Bhutan. I get more views for trans related posts: I may be fascinated by the myth of the Descent of Inanna, about the Sumerian Queen of Heaven descending into the Underworld, but my readers were not, particularly. Would it make a difference if I told you it has a detailed description of her clothes?

I want to reassure. The world can be cruel to us, but it is better not to dwell on that. I used to be in a Yahoo group called TNUK Digest, which reported news of interest to trans folk. Some idiot fundamentalist preacher in the US said Gays are BAD!!!! and TNUK would pass that on, and we would read it and think, oh, everyone’s horrible! How can I transition? Sometimes we dwell too much on the frightening stuff.

It will be alright. Stealth is very difficult to achieve. Anyone with a little practice can tell the difference between a counter-tenor and a soprano, so your voice may sound wrong. You are big, for a woman, your waist-hip ratio is too high, you may have ridges on your forehead and large, manly hands. Don’t worry. You will find people to value and celebrate you, even cherish you. Because even if you are ungainly, your personality is beautiful. We tend to be gentle and peaceful, sweet and loving. You may have little self-respect because you have never felt manly enough- but the good news is, you don’t have to be manly! You can just be your beautiful self.

You may have agonised for months or years about transition. There is a war within you: you desire the change, yet it revolts you. Of course it is worth seeing psychiatrists and counsellors to work out what is best for you- yet if transition is what you want, it is permitted. Yes, you can. You might worry about “autogynephilia”. Don’t. If you get turned on, that is perfectly natural for human beings.

Some people are hostile. They have the logical arguments: a trans woman has a Y chromosome, a fused, narrow pelvis, an upbringing as a boy and an inability to menstruate. The logical arguments don’t matter: what matters is human relationships. Most people are tolerant enough, very few are so hostile as to make a point of it, especially when they get to know you. It is a choice to be hostile, and outside narrow, bitter internet forums most people choose to be friendly enough.

Note the title of this picture. I chose it to get in the searches. I want to be read; and to be of use, to make a contribution. So do you. That is beautiful. You are good enough.

tucked penis 1

Toddler

Toddler is cried into silence. Mummy looks at toddler worriedly. 
Mummy says, "Is there anything you want?"

Silence.

"Would you like a biscuit?" That was the pretext of the last battle.
NO
Mummy reaches out, and sets her off again.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
 
I understand, I assure you. I need to get myself a job, get out among 
people, earn money, support myself, get myself out of this stuckness. 
Or do something I enjoy doing, cheer myself up, stop being so negative. 
And all my 
I WANT
is capable of, all she can manage at the moment, is NO.
In the sauna I complain my nipples are wrong, and get the standard 
feminine response, that they are absolutely fine, that there is a huge 
variation in nipples. And this upsets me more, because it is not relieving 
this anxiety but devaluing my greater anxiety, that I look like a man, 
I look like a tranny.

Or someone says "Your skin is so soft!" and I hear surprise, and I hear, 
underneath,
"You're a man, you're a tranny, how come your skin is so soft?" 
Though perhaps that implication is not intended.
 
Lighting the fire, 

fanning the flames-
 
I am, no, not normal, no-one is normal, but-
Acceptable.
 How can I take that into myself? How can I breathe it in? 
It seems clearer, kneeling in my ritual space.
It seems strengthened when I tap into the Universe to refresh my Qi. 
So, despite the apparently intellectual objections, this cannot be real, this 
cannot make sense, etc, etc, yada yada yada

I need to do that.