turbinesAs the bridleway is walled by high hedges, I did not see who made the loud “Gneeargh” sound: a loud projected voice, not a shout. I turned into it, and saw two men, one much larger, ahead. They were ambling, so I soon caught up. I said “Hello” as I passed by.

-Hello, said the taller one.
HELLO said the shorter one, in that loud voice. Perhaps I looked at him a moment longer than he expected: SORRY, he said.

I had to say something. Or, my heart went out to him. Or, he triggered something in me. Or something. Onywye. Speaking slowly, and trying to use simple words, I said,

“Some people might see you and be surprised or angry, but most people will see you and not mind; and being, er, unusual myself”- I took off my wig- “I think most people do not mind. I respect you”.

He had crept sideways, so that the other was between us, and I could see his hair behind the other, but not his eyes. “I respect you,” said the other. I walked on.

Not an instantly perfect encounter. He did not tell me that he had been hitherto terrified of other people’s reaction to him, but hearing and seeing me he had been persuaded

Everything is Alright

and he would never be unduly frightened of a stranger again. And- he had triggered something in me, and I had really made an effort, wanting so much to give a gift and Do Good, that I felt an aftermath. Only now, sitting here, have I realised that for an actor that HUGE voice, so effortlessly projected, would be a great gift. I hope it is a gift for him.

Turbine 3TERF blogs are incomplete without the attention of trans women, so they have been tagging their posts transsexual. One, perhaps with more insight than most, thought to herself,

“I want to write a blog about trans women, because I am obsessed by them. But people will see yet another TERF blog all about trans women, and they will point and laugh. I know, I will pretend to be a trans woman who has accepted the TERF idiocies, and decided to revert.” So she did. Her blogs are too silly to fool anyone but TERFs.

I left a comment, pointing this out, and she did a new post quoting my comments- see, a real trans woman has come to her blog! I found I was getting views from it, over a few days my views per visitor went up. If they came here there is just the slightest possibility that they would learn something, but I fear they just came to be horrified, which can be enjoyable in controllable doses. Not really the audience I want. Page views are not always a blessing.

I find wind turbines beautiful. What do you think?

turbines 2

Destructive addiction

The youngest old man I ever met was in his twenties. He was looked after by relatives, and he said things to me like, “I can remember school like it was yesterday, but I can’t remember yesterday”. He had been sniffing glue since age 14. He managed to give up twice, but when his grandmother died he was upset, and he went back on it. He is probably dead by now.

Autogynephilia is a false theory. We try so desperately to make men of ourselves, running from our femininity; and we are living in role as female, long after we cease to be aroused by it. So, if “gender dysphoria” had any meaning, and we were “really” men, we would be feeling terrible gender dysphoria.

But- what if there were something in the development of autogynephilia that prevented us from feeling that dysphoria? The dysphoria goes the other way- we can’t stand presenting male- what if that developed through erotic reinforcement?

Being transsexual is a difficult thing to cope with, sometimes. I might resent that I have this difficulty. And- Peter was killed in a motorbike accident, affecting all his family. Bad things happen to good people.

What if I had caused it? I should have treated it like an addiction, and found ways of avoiding it- I did for a year, once, I would have claimed to have “given up”- so it is my failure that leaves me where I am now. Other people kick addictions, lots of teenagers sniff glue, then stop, and I am too weak. I coulda been a contender! Still, human beings are a mix of good qualities and bad qualities. Where I am, now, is happy expressing myself female and revolted at the idea of presenting male. It is no more shameful than falling from a cliff because I could not hold on any longer, or a motorcyclist skidding in a patch of oil, and a lot less unpleasant than those things.

What difference would that make for changing rooms and loos? None. If I want to try on clothes or go swimming, I use the women’s changing room, I have a cubicle, and I behave normally, like everyone else in there.

What about the lesbian bar? Well, most people there are tolerant enough, and really don’t mind. You could get all political, and say I am a man, and men should not be in there, but such rigid categories are so last century.  Some lesbians have trans girlfriends- should they be ejected too? Tolerate me!

You might notice this is not a particularly rigorous analysis, certainly not enough to satisfy a TERF. It does not have to be, for the reason that we are mostly harmless, far more murdered than assaulting others. If any woman is upset at my presence because I make her think of male violence against her, and she wants me out, let us talk about it. If any woman is concerned someone else might be upset, there is no problem, because it is so unlikely.

Tolerance of others is a good thing. As society gets more racially and culturally mixed, we meet people who don’t grow up in the same culture and see things the same way, and on the whole it is better if we can get on with them. Racism is bad. But humans are also sexual beings, with a strong sex drive, who have to find some way of not acting on it in order to function in society. Some homophobes do not like gay people because we make them think of sex. But that is not us, that is the homophobe. You still have to find a way of not acting on sexual thoughts, bracketing them for particular places. Homophobia is bad.

Autogynephilia is a symptom, and not a cause, of transsexuality. But even if it were not, so what?