Calm down, dear

In one day I wept helplessly; expressed my anger in the office and told Paul he was an idiot, rather than just getting on and doing the work as usual; pressed the accelerator when I really should have pressed the brake, then thought that really was not sensible; and had an irrational, paranoid fear reaction. I have also been acting impulsively. So now I am back on the Sweeties.

Russel Reid first prescribed the sweeties, as we call them, as a diagnostic test. He told me that he saw a lot of people only once. We self-diagnose as transsexual and find our way to the gender psychiatrist, and Russel always gave us what we asked for. He said, faced with actually taking hormones, the confused fantasist usually stopped. For those of us for whom transition was so completely Right, we came back. We diagnosed ourselves. I think Uncle Russel was right, and was very grateful for the prescription at the time I needed it, but he retired after questions of his conduct were raised before the General Medical Council.

Then the endocrinologist confirmed the recommendation that I take these, to promote female secondary sex characteristics. And I have just carried on taking them. One pharmacist decided to warn me that mine was a particularly high dose for HRT, but then, I am not taking HRT: it is very similar, but I think the differences are important. I am taking oestradiol as a treatment for transsexualism syndrome.

And ten years afterwards, another GP told me that HRT increased the risk of breast cancer, so she wanted me to stop. And I did. Then I lost half a stone, started having the mood swings, associated them with the hormonal changes, and after one particular paranoid and impulsive act begged for more oestrogen.

So now I am taking oestradiol again, and thinking of coming off it more gradually to keep the moods in check. I am more worried about thromboses than cancer, but do not want either. I think the oestradiol has done all it can to produce the secondary characteristics. A tranny part of me is pleased to go through something that women sometimes go through.