Fear

I connected with my shame, and found that a creative and healing experience, so I thought I should connect with my fear. I permitted myself to feel it, and I felt it, and I felt terrified of everything. Suppression is not working.

I fear being hurt, again. I can’t bear it. I have suppressed feeling hurt.
Denying my own value, I have felt I do not deserve to avoid hurt.
I am worthy of avoiding hurt.
I have the intelligence to avoid hurt.

I have projected my condemnation of myself onto other people.
They do not condemn me, generally.
If I can accept myself, then I can perceive acceptance by others.
If I can accept myself, then rejection by others will not hurt me.

I am finding “It is never too late to have a happy childhood”, with uplifting sentences by Claudia Black paired with colourful abstract paintings by Laurie Zagon, useful. For example,

You are special.
You may never have had the opportunity to believe in your specialness.
You may believe in it today.

I tell myself, Stop this endless whining and moaning. I can’t bear it.
(I project that demand on others, too.)
Then I listen to my own whining, and accept it, a little.
Then I heal, a little.

Oh, that’s it! I wrote this a few days ago, as usual, and thought, um. Avoiding hurt. Not enough. So-

if I am worthy of avoiding hurt
then I am worthy to achieve goals.
If I have the abilities and qualities to avoid hurt
then I have the abilities and qualities to achieve goals

and my fear is strong.