Speaking the Truth

I was in touch with my compassion.
I was in touch with my femininity.
I was in touch with my whole self.
I had never felt that way before.
It blew my mind.

That was February 1999, but this is now, speaking on the phone to Lucy:

I was in touch with my femininity, I said. I was in touch with my-

and the word in my head is “compassion” and I cannot say it. I was in touch with my-

it runs through my mind again. I pluck up the courage-

I was in touch with my compassion.

I am Abigail, and I am truthful. Andy Braunston observed in the 90s that I was very hard on myself, and I remain so. I could not say “compassion” because it is claiming a good quality and that is difficult.

And I had a vision of me as a small child asserting something to my implacable mother and being judged for it. My truth and value being rejected so that even now fifty years later I reject it myself, I cannot bring myself to utter it.

Yet I did utter it. It is getting easier. Especially, it is easier with her, I know she will affirm me.

I am Abigail. I am loving and truthful. I have the experience of gathering myself and saying something I know to be Truthful, with my integrity, with my whole being.

“I know you do,” she says. “I’ve seen you do it.”

Expressing myself female gave me permission to be myself with other people rather than attempt the male act. It freed me. I might now regret hormones and surgery, but I do not regret that.


That conversation affected the whole week. I thought before, “The monster will get me”, and of granite statues judging me, and see more what that is. I was frightened of saying “my compassion”. I felt I would be judged for it. I had known that is not an adult assessment of what another individual is like, but a terrified child assessment of the whole world. When I make a claim like that, to compassion or some other good quality, I am a small child with my mother knowing she will deny it, even though I am 52 and she is dead.

I found myself able to talk of my compassion. I named it at Quaker Quest and in the Meeting for Worship the word “compassion” was woven through the ministry. I was in the same state of authenticity, speaking at Quest, and I named it- “I am there now”- though far less frightened, and less mind-blown. It is not familiar, exactly, but more known and trusted. I had thought a lot about what I would say and the stories I would tell, but in the end the words were given to me: “The truth will set you free”.

With H on Friday night, we discussed trans issues and were distanced, but the first glass of wine brought us together and I told her why I could not have spoken of my compassion, and now I could. I was crying again, I am so hurt by this. Awake early on Saturday morning, I phoned The Samaritans and told the man. I took a long time to pluck up the courage, once he had answered. The thought that it would sound ridiculous to him terrified me. After, I said “You heard how big a deal this is for me, didn’t you?” He assented.

This is a big deal for me.
I was in touch with my compassion. It is at the heart of me.
I will remember this, and claim my truth again.

Escaping the Binary

Man/woman, trans/cis, even binary/non-binary? Some trans folk see themselves as binary trans, a man or woman rather than something in between, so how much is “non-binary” a reaction to that limited way of being trans, or a new thing?

Radical feminists are dismissive. It is merely self-indulgent to claim different pronouns, even to change desired pronouns according to mood. I’m not going to ask what pronouns to use, said the woman. And she looks like a normal woman, she’ll not escape harassment that way. But I am not sure what Lucy’s objection is. You define yourself by what you are not- non-binary.

To me non-binary is the ultimate freedom-word for gender. I can manifest male or female or Other because I am not constrained by the Binary. The feminist might say it was unnecessary, and that being a woman does not constrain her gender expression. Perhaps we are more attuned to the objection of others, and need a word to reassure us.

I believe reality is too complex to express in words, which may constrain our ability to perceive it. I find my perception getting more complex, as I see beyond my verbal description then find new words to describe what I perceive. I use non-binary for permission, rather than understanding. I do not do something because I am non-binary, with an understanding of how non-binary people behave, but because I am I. Others may find a stereotype they like and conform to it, calling it non-binary, but while I conform to stereotypes I no longer name them to be reassured that I am fitting in, but to try and find my real desires, and break conformity. Then again, rebellion is as unfree as conformity, and I seek freedom.

I am certain that not all people who call themselves non-binary are non-binary in the same way. Yet the name might lead them into internet groups where they gain understanding of their new identity, and there are some rules about how to be accepted.

I read that we make our decisions unconsciously, and rather than controlling them the conscious mind merely rationalises them. Why did you do that? Oh, I don’t know, it could be any reason. I pity the man who testified before a tribunal a different reason from what he had said elsewhere, and so ruined his credibility in his judges’ eyes. How could we know the real reason anyway? Because I am a person like this, or someone who behaves like that, or I had this provocation. I wanted to. Then non-binary would merely be a rationalisation, though it may work at the unconscious level as permission. How much do I have to fit in, and can I be free to be idiosyncratically me? I might try independence, see others object, and flee back to conformity. Then I might rationalise that, to self-aggrandise or beat myself up.

I want to make my own decisions without constraint by concepts- I am this, so I must not do that. Though “having integrity” is a good concept and choosing it may be worthwhile. That is the basis of Virtue ethics. And “I am not very bright” might help reduce my self-castigation: I usually work things out in the end.

Why I transitioned

Women are free to be human. In transitioning, I sought their freedom from constraints I could not bear, which crushed me. Trans men, however, transition the other way: they too are seeking freedom and not constraint. What is the blessing of each gender? How is each empowered, and free?

I feel free to feel and express emotion. It is still a struggle for me. I do not always know what I am feeling. I do not always tolerate it, so that it bursts out of me in difficult ways, in tears or movement. I feel more free to connect. I connected at the Greenbelt festival and the Yearly Meeting Gathering. I could express feeling heart to heart.

I still associate this with weakness. Clearly it is not weakness, but flexibility. It may be vulnerable, but only if I can be shamed about my feelings or expression: if the attack, the attempt to shame me, does not work, then it is clearly strength.

The constraint was there, shaming me into not expressing myself like I can now. And when someone says “trans women transition to get sexual arousal from fooling people into thinking they are women” it is merely ridiculous, and only has power over me insofar as the constraint remains, shaming me into denial and self-hatred, using my belief that I really am weak, sick, perverted, disgusting, ridiculous, deluded and misogynist.

And we can express ourselves among trans friends, and then we find ourselves out in the real world where we read condemnation even where there is none, we project onto others our own internalised transphobia, constraints, understanding of manhood and shame. Yet we carry on, we fight through this, and eventually, possibly years after going full time, we reach that goal of freedom of expression, and self-acceptance. We are not inadequate males. We are human beings.

Strange that strength should be thought the same as control, and that self-control meant not expressing feelings, and the only way not to express feeling for many of us is not consciously to feel feelings. My feelings, and ability to empathise, are beautiful. Do men lack this entirely? Do only high-status men have this ability, or do men need an underling before they can evince emotion, as a way of controlling or using the other? Could men’s groups like Male Journey permit emotion without violence or shame? Is it something men can gain as they age and grow in wisdom?

How can you see anything outside yourself, how perceive beauty or the true nature of another human being, without access to your feelings? And, how suppressed was my real self, that I undertook this transition in order to express it. I still know what I want- Freedom. I have not attained it yet. I have a particular feeling, now, and I find my reaction ridiculous. It can only hurt me. I need it to stop. The chance of hurt or embarrassment frightens me. Accepting and forgiving myself is ongoing difficulty.

I felt the need to write, I am not going to “toughen up” by rejecting my softness and vulnerability which are beautiful and essential. I will not deny my pain, fear, incomprehension, desire, longing, loneliness, misery,
and this shows I know the threat, the desire to toughen up in that way, even though I know that only leads to misery and chains; that I am working on this acceptance, and see my goal; that I still need to work on it.

Trans men also seek freedom. Their freedom is from being seen as weak, patronised and not taken seriously, used as sexual playthings, not treated as a full human being. They find themselves respected, as they pass better.

All people contain the needs and abilities arbitrarily ascribed to “feminine” and “masculine” people. The man has his anima, the woman her animus, the soul of the other, which needs expressed to be a fully rounded human being. I might express my inner man having become free to express my inner woman.

Trans discrimination II

Why should discrimination against trans folk be unlawful? Because it stops us from thriving, and so stops us using our gifts to the benefit of all. People are weird. Our weirdness and difference is a source of strength. Accepting the idiosyncrasies of each frees everyone.

What can be weighed against that? A feather against a gold brick. Some people are transphobic. They find us repulsive. They want to say that, they want a nice, predictable world where everyone, but especially some groups such as fat people, queers, and immigrants are restricted, controlled into conformity by oppressive speech, and given a ghastly time.

Don’t compare your sin to my skin said Black evangelicals, who opposed gay liberation. There are so many overlapping oppressions. Trans folk are divided against ourselves, as if the bigots would tolerate a particular group of trans, if the others did not spoil it for us. Fighting ones own oppression is such a grievous task; and not everyone has the personality to sympathise with others, even when their problems are so similar. Do you think he can hide his nature? Jimmy McGovern’s hero priest in Broken asks the Afro-Caribbean man who despises his sister’s gay neighbour. We can, but it costs so much! None of us can escape who we are.

I demand that level of sympathy. All are broken, all are oppressed, all must work for the freedom of all; and when you realise that, you can be free.

It is not a free speech issue. You’re a man, really has little value as speech. Why would anyone want to be rude to me? To exercise power over me, to oppress me. A pointless, thoughtless cruelty for the sake of it. What do they gain? A fraudulent sense of their own correctness, understanding and control- but they don’t understand or control anything, not really.

The freedom that matters is the freedom to live your life as you choose. Freedom of speech has value where it allows people to work out new ways of living, but not when it restricts us. I harm no-one by expressing my femininity. I should not be deterred from it by the fear of not getting a job, or housing, or services. There is no value in being able to say to another, Ew! I disapprove of you!– unless that person is doing something which clearly harms someone else.

I wonder how this relates to Nietzsche’s conception of the strong and the weak. I feel, expressing myself female, particularly weak and vulnerable, yet feel that is closer to his Hero than to his resenting lesser men, who conform to a conventionality defined by others. It is not the same- I do what I must, what I may, not what I Will. I seek a world where none are weak, where no-one need to conform to anything but their true nature.

Freedom and control

Ours is a free society, and we are controlled. Trans folk are free to be ourselves, mostly, and some people get angry about that. Why are we free to be trans, and how are people free and not free?

Why would humans not be free? There is economic freedom- I am not free to go out this evening because there are no buses and I do not have a car, and find taxis too expensive. I can go out for the evening, but it needs planning. There is imaginative freedom- I cannot do what I do not imagine possible. And there is social control. I read that in Prague pedestrians expect to pass right shoulder to right shoulder on the pavement- it prevents pavement dancing- and will be irked with you if you do not know and do not follow the rule.

There is social control to avoid fear. Are those noisy young men over there “boisterous” or “threatening”? If we feel there is an unwritten rule that people should be quiet here, the breach of the rule is threatening. Music leaching from folks’ headphones on the bus may be most irritating because you feel it is discourteous, another breach of a rule, something you do not expect. There are many distracting or unpleasant sounds or sensations on the bus. Your freedom to swing your fist ends at my nose, but it is rarely that simple- whose rights come first is a matter of status, boundaries are pushed and tested, and I feel I have personal space and do not want your fist within two feet of my face, at an absolute minimum.

Moral compliance can be a matter of status. “I don’t mind them being gay as long as they don’t rub our noses in it,” perhaps by holding hands. Sexual morality has moved from a set of rules to a matter of obligation- in some circumstances people have a duty of faithfulness- and possibly a matter of moral hygiene or exploitation or more subtle wrongs. In the Am Dram group, F who was in her forties- fabulously old- took M, in his teens, to her home, and I saw how he was looking at her after, and she did not seem to care. I did not go to her house. And now generally gay is OK, because it harms no-one and that is enough.

High status people can be more free than low status people, and low status people might resent that our former even lower status no longer applies. Higher status people have taken from them their right to look down on us, and on anyone “foreign”. Unprincipled politicians like Mr Trump or Mme LePen know that desperate people will give a lot to be allowed to look down on someone. If they are free to blame immigrants, LGBT will be next.

Arguments against trans acceptance are transphobic, where people have an unreasoning disgust or abhorrence for us, or perhaps symbolic. For a certain kind of feminist we are a symbol of their gendered oppression. They loathe our freedom as they claim it conflicts with theirs. Yet we are completely harmless, more a symbol of gender than a tool of oppression.

Do you like my new coat?

Benefits of immigration

Immigration is always a benefit to the economy. There are more people, and the new people are more likely to be economically active. The economy grows, and they can be taxed for public benefit, all the things like health, education, natural monopoly utilities and transport which are better done by society, together. No way exists of using competition to make companies serve the public in these services. Public services get better because of immigration. They have got worse since 2010 because of deliberate cuts by the Tory government. The Nationalist lie that immigrants flood our country and damage our public services, used to get hard Right politicians elected who will cut those services further, is a great evil. Cuts inflame people’s fear and anger, and that anger makes people more authoritarian.

Dancers, flibbertigibbets and butterflies like me are in for a hard time.

My friend asked, but why is it always expressed as “good for the economy”? Is there nothing more important? Yes. Immigration is good for the culture, and for each person.

It is difficult. It causes tension. Migrating to a country can curtail horizons rather than expanding them. Polish or Bangladeshi communities exist where some people hardly go out of that small group, or learn any English. Well, people have to achieve the means of survival before they can self-actualise. Any organism explores its surroundings, looking for what will benefit it, avoiding harm, and once they get time to draw breath and really look about themselves loving, creative and adventurous souls will embrace the possibilities of different cultures. Not me, particularly, if I see a “Polski Sklep” I stay out of it, but I am not adventurous cooking even in English cuisine, and once something becomes mainstream, like Italian or Bangladeshi restaurants, I use it happily.

And I feel it is possible to be too assimilated. I was uncomfortable around an Indian Christian woman. I am not sure why, or what she had done I might object to, or what I would rather she had done, but there is something I can’t quite put my finger on. This is a blog, I would never throw out such an inchoate idea in writing published anywhere else.

And yet for adventurous leaders, whom the community will follow, our possibilities are expanded. Culture widens, we get new ways of understanding, expressing ourselves, and relating to others. We have more options, so we are more free.

We move from a homogenous society in which we can predict how people will be, to a diverse society where we accept difference, and that benefits flibbertigibbets and queers, who really have to curtail ourselves to fit a village homogeneity. But no-one fits that homogeneity, really, so everyone benefits.

Except the authoritarians, the grinches, the know-alls and control freaks who want everyone marching in step to the same martial music. Few people are like that naturally- even Mr Farage seeks his own freedom, as he seeks to deny it to everyone else- but people can be forced into that mould, by inflaming and misdirecting their anger and resentment. Diversity is our best defence against totalitarianism.


Trans and body dysmorphia

Most of the questions at Greenbelt were friendly, but the last woman to speak compared us to people with body dysmorphia or BIID. I wonder why- to engender disgust with us, perhaps. We should not be indulged, because what we want is repulsive- to save us from ourselves or to save others from going the same way. Tina found the comparison repellent.

Anyone who likes the world nice and neat, with simple comprehensive categories, may need me to “be a woman” before they can tolerate me. The first response, never having come across us before, might be Yuck. Oh, says a wise friend, that’s a trans woman. She’s a woman born in a man’s body. Or, she’s born that way. She is mostly harmless. And the person who likes the world to be explicable accepts the explanation. Or the friend says, he’s like body dysmorphics, one of the bad people. Yuck is appropriate.

I can tolerate a certain amount of disapproval. I just have to. Some people think my way of being ridiculous or disgusting, and as long as enough people accept me I sort of rub along. My view is that body dysmorphic people are doing their best under difficult circumstances. I hold the liberal view that they should be allowed to do what they want if it does not harm others, because they should be trusted to make their own decisions for their own flourishing.

I feel I benefit from an atmosphere of general tolerance more than a categorisation as among the Acceptable kinds of weirdo. Body dysmorphics bad. “Trans women- women, really- and therefore acceptable” is subject to argument. “Person who is in part inexplicable, just like every single other human being” is not. Let us rub along as best we may.

After, we were surrounded by people wanting further encouragement; then we went for a drink, and to The Canopy to hear Lorraine Bowen. Her songs should not work, being not sophisticated at all, but they are joyous. Much of the crowd danced the actions to the Crumble Song:

Everybody’s good at cooking something- mime stirring pots
I’m good at cooking- both hands to chest indicating self
Crumble!- Hands in the air like a gymnast at the end of their routine
In fact, I’ve got one in the oven- bending down miming taking it out
Would you like some?- Mime offering it.

I think it’s intended as a double meaning for a bun in the oven, or pregnancy. It seems innocent and ridiculous to me. We liked it, a joyous crowd not concerned with how we appear. The freedom of silliness. How we appear is a terrible tyrant.

-Any requests?
-Dill Pickle!
-Oh, I’m not sure I could do that one at Greenbelt.
-Dill Pickle! Dill Pickle!

Safe Spaces II

Transphobic opinions are incitement to violence.

Here is Maryam Namazie’s talk at Goldsmiths. She claims that there is a clear distinction between criticism of Islam, an idea, or Islamism, a political movement, and bigotry against Muslims. However, there is no clear line between fair criticism and dehumanising of  enemies: calling us men is a threat to us.

And she has an essential task, mocking Islam by drawing attention to insane fatwas that the Earth is stationary or that a starving man may eat his wife (no fatwa has been issued that wives may eat husbands); but also speaking out about the execution of rape victims for fornication, or of those who leave Islam. Thirteen countries impose the death penalty for apostasy, she says, though the Library of Congress puts it at eight. Here, Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid argues that death is no less than the apostate deserves. Here, Kashif N. Chaudhry argues that the Koran does not support apostasy laws, but gives freedom of conscience for belief.

Maryam Namazie speaks out for apostates, through the Council of Ex-Muslims of Britain. I want to support her in this, to encourage people to choose freely whether to believe.

So opinions matter. Opinions can kill. Belief systems include moral beliefs condemning other people.

Waiting around in Accident and Emergency, I saw a white woman enter wearing an Islamic head-scarf, though not a niqab. Others noticed too. “Bin-laden,” sniggered a woman (it was before his murder). Such words might put the apparently Muslim woman in fear and alarm, though there are still taboos against physical assault. A woman who would pull a niqab from another’s face- an assault- might be encouraged by such giggling dehumanising. Or by the expression of opinion one might psyche oneself up to assault.

Here are my own, entirely reasonable opinions on the veil. A woman might freely choose the veil. Anonymity in crowds, or when on business, is desirable. We communicate with our faces, and a poker face is an advantage. A woman might choose the veil out of loyalty to family, or because of the express disapproval of others, and that is the moment where the choice is constrained rather than free. Though human beings are interdependent, and loyalty or the desire to please others are legitimate motivations. The veil is also a clear indication of adherence to Islam.

I agree that much of the belief of Islam- including the belief of many Muslims that apostasy should be punished, even if that belief is not supported by the Koran- is poisonous and harmful. I want to defend the apostates against those who would harm them. That opinion may make a Muslim feel defensive, or encourage someone who would use violence against them.

People form tribes, with loyalty to the group and rejection of the outsider. As we mature, we recognise that no-one should be excluded from the tribe, that everyone is my neighbour. However to reach such a position we need to feel safe.

So gay people and trans people must speak out for the Muslims, even those who would throw us from high buildings. We need them to feel safe too.

As for the Muslim, so for the trans woman. The opinion that I am a man, or that I oppress women, is an excuse for excluding or erasing me. Violet and friends are also discussing Maryam.

Blake, The Blasphemer


I have lived my life with the handbrake on. Too prone to hit the foot-brake too, and terrified of the accelerator pedal, I seek to free myself. My project here is finding what stories, understandings, and responses serve my freedom, which increase my serfdom. Jtteop, despite a rebarbative idea which initially blinded me to the value which might be in what he says, seems to seek such freedom through words, so repays a closer look.

His “myth” is that one is born gay, only attracted to persons of the same gender. His counter-myth is that being gay is not innate.

The process starts when a person says words or performs actions that are outside the range of social acceptability for their gender. It will then be suggested to the person that they might be ‘gay’ and they will be asked to meditate on that possibility, with the hope that they will have an epiphany of sorts that will lead to a confession. This is called ‘coming out’.

The human brain is very flexible in this regard and will presumably help out, as it always does, to let the denounced person see the previously unrecognised possibilities.

There is a huge amount wrong with this. There is nothing wrong with being gay, any more than with having red hair. Twin studies show that there is a greater correlation of orientation between identical than non-identical twins, so there is a genetic component, even if that correlation is not total. Then again, before death the only orientation anyone can be sure of is bisexuality: there are lots of reasons to fight particular sexual attractions, but “I’m not gay, I’m straight” is not one of them.

The word “gay” is liberating, as “Uranian” was before it. It fosters acceptance of ones desire and permits sexual fulfilment. It is not as jtteop asserts linked to not fitting the socially ordained gender role, though it may be.

However the tincture of truth in jtteop’s post is that the label “gay” can be constraining, leading a person to imagine they should behave or respond in a certain way. More usually, it is liberating: it is permission to respond in that non-standard role, without shame. The word “straight” is far more constraining: men have an idea of how straight men “should” behave.

For jtteop, gay is simply the shortcutting of a natural process (same with drug use) . You gain pleasure without the necessity to go though all the usual mechanisms to get that pleasure. Well, no. Here he says that only straight sex is natural, or indeed that gay sex is easier to get- not for those with internalised homophobia it isn’t. Also that straight sex is fulfilling, but gay sex only seems to be. Though he is libertarian: he wants people to be able to do whatever they want to.

Words and understandings can imprison us. Jtteop recognises this. The way to freedom is to permit responses, and to perceive without judgment.



and the cure of it.

I seek to create the Kingdom of Heaven in the world, and around me see chains of oppression. Dog eats dog. What may I do?

So much oppression! The exploitation of third world workers, people smugglers charging migrants tens of thousands of dollars for a place on a sinking boat which might barely make it to Lampedusa, Fortress Europe and Unwelcome as the response. So much oppression of women: the denial of reproductive rights, genital mutilation, domestic violence.

In the bronze age, the human relationship with our food animals was symbiotic: we cared for the cattle, and took their milk and meat. Now it is exploitative, with industrial battery farming. I could escape this one oppressive system, and become vegan. This was difficult thirty years ago, but now the work has been done: people know how to get the necessary carbohydrates, proteins, fats, vitamins and minerals without meat or dairy products, and the foods are available, and appetising. You can go into the matter in great detail, finding vegetarian cheese or vegetarian wine- either as a constriction, refusing anything tainted and withdrawing from the world, or as a liberation, using the knowledge to reduce your vestigial oppression still further. It is in the culture. We all know some nutrition; I hear that my potassium levels may fall in hot weather, and I need potassium to retain water, so I eat bananas. That seems enough, at the moment. I could start with occasional vegetarian meals, learn more about cooking and sourcing, and eventually become an expert, excluding animal products from my shoes, clothes, house.

(Cheese. I know. Well, being vegetarian or even pescatarian could be a stepping stone.)

You can do the work. Which cleaning products are best for the environment? Which forms of investment are most ethical? What does “Fair trade” mean, exactly? You can slowly, steadily reduce your complicity in oppression. You remain complicit, and at the start your complicity far outweighs the progress you have made; yet all the progress is worthwhile.

Actually, I start to talk myself into it. When I started this post, I thought of writing how all-pervasive oppression is, and how the oppressed oppress: eg, the porn performer who needs the money, and is brutalized by her trade. As are other workers. I know what I devote myself to; but could take some of the many opportunities to reduce my footprint on the faces of other humans, or the environment.

I know that my transition is not oppression. I am called liar and rapist, but the oppression comes from others, and not from me.

I devote myself to my own freedom. I have desires and promptings. I have a Real Me, a beauty, to express and create in the world. I have internalised fear and judgment of that, and I liberate myself of it. That is my work and learning now.

Sebastiano Ricci, Resurrection