I have always faced the World with Courage I have always faced the World with Love I have always faced the World with Creativity.
I have indeed self-lacerated, and it is time to stop. It is time to create and bed in a new habit, time to tread down a new path so that the old one gets overgrown with weeds and disappears, and the new one gets broad and wide. I have been so hard on myself for not being Normal, for not coping with life as I should or achieving what I should, and this “Musterbation” is terribly harmful.
I am healing. Edwin Muir has a poem about how the path ahead seemed broad, but behind it was twisting wildly. On Saturday, it seemed quite the opposite for me: ahead I cannot see, I have no idea, but looking back it seems to have come straight and true to where I am now, and where I am now is a Good place to be, even if being unemployed and my previous lack of career advancement is a fertile field for poisonous weeds of self-laceration. Here is a Good place to be, for it is the place where I am getting rid of the bonds and blocks holding me back, and one of those is this habit of self-laceration.
At my party, I said I am growing and healing “slowly”- and then got frightened and angry, Aargh! NO, NO, NO- at that word “slowly”. No, at my own pace. It is the right pace, indeed it feels too fast at some times. That reflex self-criticism, “slowly”. No to that- but being angry at myself for self-lacerating was a step forwards.
I do not have much to do beyond this intense work of self-creation. This morning (Tuesday) I phoned the Samaritans, thinking I would be crying over what a tough time I have had, as an excuse for being unemployed etc; and it turned into a celebration of how I have faced the world, leading to the declaration above. I expected a painful call, and it was delightful. Chris, the man on the phone, thought so too.
This feels huge for me.
It is a pattern which has been deeply ingrained in me.
Shifting that pattern is intensely liberating.
I am still emotional. I feel plagued by telesales cold-calling, and so when I got such a call this afternoon I told the man to fuck off. His is not the easiest of jobs, and he told me to fuck off back. So we were shouting over each other: I was cursing him, saying his eyes would be gouged out and his brain explode through his ears, and then I rang off.
No, not ideal. I shout when angry because it is imperative for me to be Heard before I attend to anything else, and it is not good to have two people like that. But I think I have made a shift: I would have felt guilty and been angry with myself for losing control, and now, I am, well- Oh, OK, not ideal but no big deal either.
I can be cheering myself on, encouraging myself, rather than on my own back. And when I phoned H I thought, our relationship from now on depends on how she reacts to this. I told her, and she said, “Excellent! I’m so pleased!”
I have such anger to let out, and it is now turned outwards. Instead of inwards at me for not being Normal, etc, it is turned Outwards, at anyone who would say that being gay or trans is less than “normal”, or that autogynephilia is a cause, rather than a symptom, of transsexualism, or that trans women are a threat to radical feminists or should be excluded from women’s space or that marriage is for one man and one woman and anything else is a threat to our entire civilisation or-
I could go on.
And I am in mourning for a life half-lived, though lived as courageously as I could, circumscribed more by my own internalised judgment latterly than the judgment of others, but with just enough condemnation and judgment from outside to keep my own merrily bubbling away. I am in mourning because I have said “No” to life because it was too frightening, as well as said “Yes” so far as I could and achieved so much in my peculiar circumstances.
All this Healing, seeing things Positively, accepting myself as I am, celebrating myself, seeing other people more clearly with less projection, all as fast as I could tolerate- it is all wonderful, and has been intensely painful, like moving a limb which has been tied down.
Now, I am unemployed. I sit around, I walk a bit, I blog a bit, and it is OK. I am healing, growing, maturing, accepting and exploring being a Healer. I move forward as I may. Because I know I am moving forward, I am happy to give the process the time it needs.