I went in wanting to talk of sex. I am just about over my shame around autogynephilia. I told her something which I had not told anyone else, which filled me with shame and misery at the time. When I still had testicles, I had wet dreams about cross-dressing. The issue for shame is- was that culpable at all? I don’t think so. Sex has the value of uniting two people, and for me it seemed instead to isolate. And- whether that was because of reinforcement activity which was within my control, is the centre of whether it was culpable or not- and I don’t think it was. I am just about over that shame. Yes. That is old pain which I remember, and not current pain.
And- when it comes to relating with others in my sexuality, I am bewildered and shamed and fearful.
I notice how passive and submissive I am. I still have some shame around that- I am a man! I ought not to be! I have just about got over my shame: I tell myself, this is how I am, it is within normal human variation, resisting it is fruitless so I might as well go with it- and- it feels like it can only cause me pain. That encounter traumatised me, and that was miserable, and I can be hurt and if my head gets turned I just make a fool of myself and
I can’t imagine actually forming a mutually satisfying relationship.
Oh, what was it exactly? I came away feeling much better. Something around self-forgiveness. Something around noticing that I am learning. I am, actually. As I approach other people and interact, I am learning.
I am not particularly resilient at the moment. If anything, I am a slightly squishier quivering pile than I was eighteen months ago. Notice every moment of joy- it is transient, and it is there. Possibly, even, it is constant, a ground bass below all the emotional music.
And- there is something around noticing just how badly I am hurt when I make a mistake or something bad happens. It seems it is worse in the anticipation- absolutely terrifying, to be avoided at all costs- than in actuality. Mmm.
I am sitting here, having had my session, walked home and blogged on it, feeling better. Slightly less terrified. A bit affirmed. That has to be a good thing.
Everything is all right.