In the act of Creation, God limited Godsself, God’s perfection and power, and thereby created space for us. God gave us the ability to think of ourselves as selves, a body with desires and interests.

In the act of Decreation, we reverse that process, extinguish our ego-self, and come closer to God. We become part of the Universe, rather than a separate thing.

A person who is afflicted, without relief or hope, demolished by experience, may pass through this to decreation, to that knowledge of God. Perhaps Primo Levi felt that in Auschwitz. Perhaps a worker oppressed by labour until there is no space for anything else may experience it. Perhaps the alcoholic at “Rock bottom”- where there is no room, any more, for self-concept, no room for ego-flattering pretence or addictive escapes from reality- feels it. We embrace Necessity, and so contact God, extinguishing the ego.

Or imagine the end of a love affair, when we feel melancholic. One might become lucid about ones situation and faults, and see ones selfishness. We become ego-less because our spin on things stops working.

If enough of humanity reached this situation we might end affliction, and relate through Love.

I have not read Simone Weil, though I may. This is my crib from In Our Time: if you listen from 28:00 you will hear this in almost the same words. She is on my reading wish-list, somewhere behind Krishnamurti and Karamazovs. And I have writing to do. I added Levi and the alcoholic to my explanation: you are getting their words filtered through my understanding, a dreadful way to learn of Weil and slightly better for exploring my own thoughts. My ESA- my income from the state- may end at any moment, and I deny necessity because, well, it has not happened yet. I imagined that even if it did end, I might still deny, until I was actually made homeless- because such denial is no more insane than my denial now.

Weil: one must not seek out Affliction.

I grope towards an encounter with Reality. I might like to be shocked into it- I am There, by blessing and circumstance. Perhaps I may sink into it, like a swimmer plunging into water.

You goan rise up singin. Then you’ll spread your wings and take the sky.

Meanwhile I think of my I Want– typing here, rather than taking a break to clean my teeth. I avoid blusher because of a particular woman- in the 1980s!- who wore heavy makeup; and because I did not really see the difference the makeup artist made with it. It is suggested that I try with it, and I acquiesce: I do not know why. So I have a Lancôme brush, and blusher, and I will try not to look like a Sioux warrior or an Ancient Briton applying woad.

Or this. At 10.30pm, eight go for dim sum, and after, one offers to pay for us all. One protests, and argues. I know quite clearly what I want. I am in a restaurant, quite prepared to pay my way, but considering my funds very happy indeed not to. I speculate on others’ motivations: generosity or honour? If it were just those, I feel there would be no dispute.

I cannot say I never respond with my “What will people think?” But considering how bad it is at predicting them, and how wearing it is, I do so less. This may be a part of the way to decreation.

Simone Weil