Shame suffused

It seemed I was a mass of, I was only shame and resentment, and had always been so: at first, shame at who I am, and now shame at hiding it. I was conscious of that lifetime’s burden of shame and it was alright, because I was present as a feeling being, absolutely my feminine Real Self.

Jamie said we don’t see people and see how beautifully life has sculpted them, like a tree. I do physically. Not so much mentally. He talked of personae inside us- the sex maniac, the naive child imagining “this time it will be different,” the Innocent Victim. Everybody knows the inner critic.

I have not been so conscious of my inner critic this year. While others produce scripts, such as you are so unattractive, stop whinging and get on with it, I produce single words. Can’t. Won’t. Bad. Wrong. Silly. False. Fear. Useless. All wrong. Moan whinge. Shit. AAAAAARRGHH!! I want the music off, it’s getting in way- tell him, get nowhere. Fuck I hate this I hate you. Then we read the scripts, in characters, including the porn star and the game show host. The mockery is wonderful, distancing me from the script.

We then consider our limiting beliefs, where we might have acquired them, and what we would be without them. Any belief I am aware of is a choice.

When did you feel ashamed? The initial spark of any action is always loving and creative, though it may be changed by stupid decisions into toxic actions: knowing this helps me forgive myself and others. I felt ashamed of my femininity and of my spontaneous responses since babyhood. I thought of that Genesis verse, “Male and female created he them”: it could mean everyone is both, anima and animus, as Jung said. How is that gift of femininity working for you now? Usually, it is suppressed or over-emphasised. That is an interesting perspective, as I would have thought my expression is healthy, painstakingly freed from suppression.

Then we interview the shamed younger self, which writes with the non-dominant hand. I never left. I do your acts which surprise you. I live, love, receive, never give up. I carry you. Was there anything unjust in what happened? NO. It is what is. It is beautiful. Yes. I hurt. I am amazed by the beauty and delight of all of everything. What gift did you intend to yourself or others? Truth, authenticity, yielding, love, acceptance, being, everything, beauty, liveliness, playfulness, appreciation, movement, softness, girliness, sweetness, LIFE!!!

How would you like to bring and express these gifts in my life now? Presence with those who appreciate me, sacrifice, performance, rejoicing, appreciating beauty, happiness.

We are two selves, the human on Earth doing stuff, feeling and reacting, like an avatar in a computer game, and a soul observing without being part of the drama. Or a frontal lobe and limbic system, whatever. Pain resisted is suffering, pain welcomed is insight. I must walk as the Queen, being myself, not manipulating or game-playing, and as the lady-in-waiting, caring for my physical and mental needs. The photo is a map-projected view of Ceres, taken by Dawn, a beautiful record of external impact and internal action.

map projected view of Ceres, taken by Dawn