Control

We’ve now been zoom bombed three times. The first time it was a short clip of a boxer, on repeat. We looked in surprise- what is it? What is the point? The second was a man masturbating on screen. Ew! I clicked to remove him. The third time, it was four people, probably young men. They came in an hour late. One put in the chat, “Yo. Anyone here play Minecraft?” I removed him. I waited until each revealed they were not here to discuss Quakers and Truth, then removed them. Their disruption seemed innocent to me: what did they expect?

After, people were keen to talk about the zoom bombing, and I wanted to talk about, well, Quakers and Truth. So I told the story of the monks. You know the one, surely. I typed “monk carr” into the search, and the first suggestion was “monk carrying woman across river”, which led me to Alpha Home. I had to tell the story, not well- I could not think why a monk would carry a woman across a river. Anyway, he does. And they said, they needed to process it. But that’s giving the bombers what they want! The group praised my care and respect, not judging the zoom bombers without clear evidence against each individually, and I wondered if I should have ejected the bombers sooner. They were clearly bombers. Attenders had the unpleasant feeling of lack of control: what will they do? Why does she not just exclude the bombers?

I love you being you. I love it when you show what you call, unselfconsciously, merely truthfully, your radiance. It is very beautiful. We agreed that if I controlled you, you would be nothing: less than human, merely a figment of my imagination. Still I want to control. My whole life is about seeking control. You said you had had a headache, and I felt one, briefly. Is it my extreme sensitivity, or am I attuned to you?

We talked of my fundamental inner conflict: I reflexively hold all my actions and characteristics in contempt. I carry this huge burden of contempt. No wonder I hide away and do so little. As you suggested, I talked from the contemptuous part. Well, the other is contemptible! She does Nothing, proving it.

I know my softness is beautiful, and that increases my frustration. Oh well. My physical life is almost inert, but my spiritual life is intense. I do not forgive myself, but barely tolerate my inactivity and contemptibility because it seems unavoidable.

Another has no partner right now, and is fantasising about Jodie Comer- perhaps Jodie Comer in role as Villanelle. Wow. Well, I can see the attraction. Sexy, effortlessly effective- just a bit frightening. Oh, yeah! And she feels guilty about it. It is objectifying. It is using another person. I feel she is too harsh on herself. It hardly affects Jodie Comer, and she is probably not the only one fantasising about Villanelle- being her, or being with her. You can work out in fantasy all sorts of things- if they are impossible, you process your desire, and might see other possibilities. I see her guilt, and want to assuage it. I have mercy on everyone but myself.

My fbfnd is a staunch ally, and her profile picture is the words “Trans people belong here!” Being right on, she added a Ukrainian flag. I love both sentiments, but they don’t really go together: Britain is enough of a war zone for trans people, for me.

People are using the invasion of Ukraine to make all sorts of points. Why care about Ukrainians, but not Yemenis or Ethiopians? Ooh. Normally I would want to analyse and understand, but perhaps even Anthony Blinken with all his analysts does not know what it might mean for the world. The details will only shock me without doing any good at all, so I wish to avoid reading or arguing about it, and simply pray for Ukraine and its people.

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