Should I visit Edinburgh?

The sadness comes upon me, like a predator.
At its touch I stiffen and writhe.
I must collapse on my bed, weeping, wailing,
possibly screaming.
It will prove its mastery of me.
And then, a change.
The sadness is in me. It is me. It fills me,
chest, belly, fingertips
I know I am big enough to contain it.
That knowledge is relief and delight.
I hold the sadness, dance with it:
I am aware of its fulness,
and, satisfied, it flows through my heart.

Not permitted to show my sadness
I fought it, and it curdled into sorrow,
a weight I could not bear.
And now it flows like water.

But what of my love?
My breasts are full,
and I have no-one to suckle.

Yes I could go there. It would be lovely.
We would walk by the firth.
I love the way you live your life,
your courage and tenacity, meeting the challenges.
I would see him, and her, possibly her, and him,
whom I wish well.
I might call up she
who was cursed to see my full beauty,
and love me for thirty years.
When, too late, I saw it
Her love warmed and perplexed me.
She has got over me at last.
She might not come.
I might meet a wise woman.

We faced the traumas side by side
but walled apart.
We did not have each other then.
On two islands, we wish each other well
but to reach you, I must cross that sea,
the pain of the past,
the terror of death.
It is easier to wave at you and smile, then turn away.

You want to meet me too!
Would we be blown apart, or sink?
or would we hold the terror,
adults together,
at last, enabled to touch?
We would dance with it.
It is us.

If I can feel all the overwhelming sadness and terror,
might I feel joy as well?

I imagine you asking,
How is your life? What have you been doing with yourself?
I have wrestled my dragon
but not yet climbed on its back.
We watch each other warily.
We want to fly together, and feel land bound.
Nothing, I say. I have stayed in my room for ten years.

You have such presence! they told me. You’re just there!
They missed me when I did not come.
One sees “a lovely air of authority”.
My bafflement increases their enthusiasm.
At last, they make me smile uncertainly.
Could they be right?
What might I do, if they were?

4 thoughts on “Should I visit Edinburgh?

  1. I like the last verse. For me that is similar to the relationship between me and my whānau. They valued me even when I didn’t value myself. Within the Society of Friends I feel a similar acceptance. Elsewhere, the true me is tolerated, devalued and considered irrelevant at best, or is treated with hostility.

    I have prosopagnosia and cannot even recognise my siblings, wife, children or grandchildren unless I know they are present, in which case I can look for specific features that help me identify them. I like sketches and drawings, whether just the face or the entire person as they seem to emphasis the features that I tend to memorise, while eliminating superfluous details. Photos on the other hand are just as problematic as seeing a person in the flesh so to speak. I the the drawing of you. I think it captures your “essence” beautifully.

    Like

  2. If indeed you do at somepoint visit this place, it would be gorgeous to see you. The agony of all that has been, the tricky pieces & places- all welcome & met. With Extra love Susan ????

    Like

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