Offence, hurt, fear and trust

There is a caricature of a trans person or woke ally, objecting to some phrase as not the latest, most correct language, and being “Offended”. When should you use the word “trans,” and when “transgender”? Someone in my mostly-safe space said that they “weren’t sure of the right words”, at the weekend, and I was in part irritated, in part frightened. It maintains a hard-Right myth that the powerful metropolitan elite, the radical Woke, and even trans people are oppressing ordinary people by demanding they talk and think in a particular way.

I am way beyond offence at misgendering. I will try to maintain an illusion that the other means well, just made a mistake, and mistakes are OK.

Or if I hear on the radio a fawning interview of an anti-trans campaigner, I am not offended, I am frightened. The outside world, where there is hostility to me simply because I am trans, has intruded into my house. I am interested in politics, and want to read mainstream centre-left commentary, but in the New Statesman, Guardian and BBC anti-trans views are regularly platformed uncritically. I am not the Elite, using being Offended to oppress others. Instead I hear the powerful broadcast their hostility to me simply because I am trans.

Well, what do you expect? Do you think society should support its members, and do you expect such support? That expectation, the basic trust that society is on my side, is a sign of privilege. Do you think the police support the population generally, or the powerful? A friend told me of going with three bus-loads of demonstrators. The police turned them back, closing a dual carriageway but for the buses with a police escort, which changed at each county boundary. They weren’t allowed to pee. Later, she got £5000 compensation. For her, the police are an oppressive force, and the courts work for her because she has the contacts with the knowledge and funds to use them. Not everyone has.

My bad experiences with policemen are not that bad, in the scheme of things, and I still feel some nervousness seeing a police van with seats for officers and a cage at the back for a prisoner parked in my street. Probably the person they have come for is violent or theftuous. I have some trust that their work has some value, but not a sunny expectation that if I am in a confrontation they will be on my side.

Society as a whole does not seek my good. I can survive and find allies. Much distress comes from the difference between expectation and reality. Surely the New Statesman and Guardian, even the BBC, should support the rights of minorities? That is not how the world is. I need to see reality as it is, however discomfiting the experience.

I remember Saira’s casual contempt when abused in the street. The men shouted “Fucking Paki!” She told me she thought, “Oh, get it right”- her parents were from Bangladesh. She is not cowed by them. Also at the weekend there was lovely, charming and just the tiniest bit creepy Alan. His delight and admiration at my femininity, beautiful hands, indeed personal beauty, was flattering, and I was perturbed for my boundaries. He told me the secret of good posture walking and standing was not to pull the shoulders back but to tighten the muscles of the lower back slightly, which support the rest of the body in a relaxed posture. Hold your head high. Pass through the hostility unashamed.

Of course it is frightening. Bad things may happen. Powerful men are inciting anger and hostility against trans people. I cannot trust society to support me. I can only trust myself. This is about stepping into power. The problem is that society tells us we will be safe, if only we don’t make a fuss, rock the boat, get noticed. I have tried that for too long. It does not work.

I had a wonderful weekend. I cycled to Peterborough, got the train to Diss, stopped off in Ely going, Norwich coming back, to see the cathedrals, and spent three nights with ten friends. The devoted love our hosts have for each other, in spite of difficulties, is inspiring. I also touristed a church, opened up for a prayer group, with a tower from 1500 but the rest rebuilt in the 19th century. The priest chatted a bit, of her six churches, testing out whether I might worship there. I don’t believe in God the Father Almighty, I told her, and she said there is also the Spirit, as if there is a choice.

At one point I spoke on “It’s not easy being trans” and a friend got up and walked away. I love her humour and intelligence and I sympathise with her resenting becoming a foreigner at Brexit. I want that friendship, but nothing is guaranteed.

9 thoughts on “Offence, hurt, fear and trust

  1. Perhaps the best way to change society is through the arts: music, poetry, visual art, movies, etc.

    I grew up in a deeply conservative evangelical Christian family with missionaries, pastors, deacons and Sunday School teachers. I was taught that homosexuality was a “sin” and that sinners go to “hell,” a terrifying prospect for a child. One should never underestimate the power of the brainwashing millions of American children go through, beginning as soon as they are able to understand spoken English. But I read widely, and it was through poetry, music, novels, movies and TV shows that I was able to “unbrainwash” myself. But it was not easy, due to the terrifying prospect of “hell,” and thus I understand why so many people are afraid to believe anything different.

    What is the path to real equality for everyone? I think the answer lies in freeing people from ancient superstitions, and particularly the superstition of “hell.” As Voltaire said (paraphrasing), “If people can control your beliefs they can control your actions.” And the most controlling ideas of all time are “Thus saith the LORD!” and “If you don’t believe what I believe, you will suffer in hell for all eternity.” People who have never had this belief in “hell” may not grasp its staggering power to control human beliefs and behavior.

    Toward this end, I have created a page with a logical argument that can be used to help persuade people to put the fear of hell away, and thus free them to think for themselves:


  2. Yes, that’s how it is for my daughter and l don’t think she has your courage (though l know you do have blips of collapse of courage), but l hope that she will develop it as she matures more, with the (occasionally variable due l think to lack of/mis-understanding as you say above ) support of family and friends


  3. I remain in awe of your way with words. As someone who fancies herself a wordsmith, I am naught. But I would offer you the song by the Pet Shop Boys here, well, two of them actually: 1. “Birthday Boy” – the eponymous character is Jesus in the modern world, discussed by some middle-class well-meaning people. 2. “It’s a Sin” – it’s a strike out at Catholic upbringing and schooling. I have not experienced that, but I recognise the lyrics well. Perhaps not as Tennant anticipated.


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