Hearing God

If God could speak, what would God say? Would we hear?

The man has broken up with his girlfriend, and is upset about it. He wants her back, and I am irritated. If you begged her to come back you would give up all your power. He thinks of her all the time, and I say, “No you don’t! You think of your illusion of her! You know this!” “Onya” says an Australian zoom-buddy, which is an informal Australian exclamation of approval- “Good on you!”

And now I think how wonderful to express your feelings openly, even if you know they are misdirected. It is not the woman who has gone, but all rejection and loss that he mourns, and his need is for partnership not for her specifically. But stating the feeling, even if it is not precisely rational, helps process it. My need for it to be expressed rationally inhibits my processing feeling. Frank expression embarrasses me.

I felt I was responding joshingly, jokingly, and after thought it was mockery disguising anger. I have this desperate need for perfection. Fearing anger, I don’t realise when I am angry, suppressing the feeling even though it comes out in my words and actions. Or, fearing anger, I am unduly sensitive to it. I don’t know, and I need to know. Others call me brave and loving, and possibly I should not second guess myself all the time.

“What do I feel?” is the most useful question. The Real self or Inner light can come to consciousness through feelings. The ego or petty self feels too, chiefly anger and fear. The Real self acts, the petty self resists and resents, opposing without useful action.

Or the whole self learns, and acts as best it may. My Depression is a block to action, a source of resentment or feelings powerless for anything but sulking resistance. These things are models, and as the organism is in different situations different models apply.

Beware seeing the “Real Self” as the source of all that is good in me, rejecting other parts of me as not really me. Or, see “Real self” as an ideal, something to aspire to, the fully healthy human being that responds in a loving and creative way.

If God and Lucifer both spoke, which would be more winsome? If God speaks in others’ reactions to me and in my own feelings, can God self-contradict? Is God any less than Everything?

I cycled the thirteen mile run, concerned not to whip myself into fruitless effort but pace myself and choose gears sensibly. Constantly I was telling myself “Don’t be too harsh!” Telling myself that harshly. Or, concentrating on cadence, effort and the right gear for the incline all the time: there are 489 feet of climb. I imagined ministering to the Quaker meeting on “This is who I am”: that effort and concentration became a meditation on my nature. I cut off another minute, bringing it down to one hour twelve, and that pleases me. Hard work and perfectionism need to be a balanced part of me. Being unable to see how I was pushing myself too hard brought me to this place.

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