Conflicting desires

I want to be seen and heard, valued and understood.

Seen and heard- I am not an orangutan, and even they are solitary because the habitat forces it. And understood- possibly validated.

Hello! Are you in there? I’m gonna find ya, I’m gonna getchagetchagetchagetcha– I want to understand, and it feels like hunting something that does not want to be seen. It feels like a conflict. There is conflict in my head. Is it only with introjects or is it inescapable?

What if I were understood and condemned?
-That is impossible. To know all is to forgive all.
-That is my masochistic desire. Having been condemned, and felt it, I seek its repetition. It feels right.

Understood- by self or others, or by others and thereby, by self?

Understood as an end or a means?

I don’t know anything I want to achieve. Sometimes I find something I want. Today, a principle behind that appeared to emerge- I want to be seen, heard and valued.

I know I like reconciliation. I have managed to produce, recently, harmony and concord in condemning me, though that is not what I had in mind.

I find what I want when I see what I do, and I realised from this that I want to hide away, years ago- first to hide by conformity, by following rules and not being noticed, and when that failed just to hide away, to stay out of sight. So there is a conflict.

I want to be seen and heard.
I want to hide away.

I wonder if wanting to hide comes from bad experiences, or comes from introjects. Then there would be the innate personality with what most nourishes it, and the moment of breaking or falling when it is split from that food, to its harm.

I faced a previous paradox of conflicting understanding- I am the centre of the Universe, of great importance, significance, and worth, and at the same time utterly worthless. Both these views of self are insane. I tried to come to a place between, but have had most success by valuing what I saw as worthless.

I desire, and fear, to be seen and heard. That was the promise of Heaven- Then we shall know fully, even as we are fully known. Now and again I put my head above the parapet.

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