A Lonely Transsexual

The Lonely Transsexual is a fascinating blog. Some of her/his writing makes me want to punch the air and shout YES! Some simply misses the point. She gets herself in some sad fights, though.

Pronouns- I will use “she”, as she has a diagnosis of gender identity disorder and transitioned, was a husband, and identifies as transsexual. However she also says she is a man. When she says she is gay I interpret that as attracted to men.

She thinks pronouns should refer to sex not gender. She is happy to be called “she” as long as it is not coerced. She is a man and does not object to “he” though it reminds her of her medical condition, gender dysphoria, so hurts. I see no difficulty in calling gender variant AMAB people who transition “she”. That does not mean that you can’t make assumptions with other gender variant people. Generally, it’s courteous to use the pronoun people choose, and while someone might have suggested the pronouns on her list from xe to per, most people seem to use he she or singular they.

She learned to hate herself as an Evangelical Christian, but has now found an accepting church.

What I like, first. Being trans is about a mismatch between gender identity and biological sex… Biological sex should not determine gender roles and stereotypes however right now it does.

Well, yes. There are gender variant people. Some of us express ourselves using gender stereotypes of the opposite sex. Some assert our sex but resist or subvert the stereotypes. Some resent the term “gender variant”, saying concepts of gender are incoherent and without meaning or value.

However I disagree with her when she says transvestites have legitimised themselves by coopting transsexualism and intersex, and what was a fetish has become an identity. I am sure there are still men who dress wholly or partly in women’s clothes and would not transition. My friend was sick of cross-dressing all the time after a week. He used women’s loos when dressed female but would not use a refuge.

Most people who would transition want some surgery and hormones. There has not been some great takeover by “transvestites”. Possibly more gender variant AMAB people are transitioning because they think it is more acceptable.

“The” Lonely Transsexual? So many of us are lonely. It is a difficult path. We distrust cis people and do not get on well with other trans women, because they reflect our insecurity and difficulty back to us.

She writes of her hatred of her penis. She could not consider sex. I don’t think that puts her in a separate category. Some people hate the thought of infertility or body alteration. You can be trans, even “transsexual” according to doctors’ definitions, and not want surgery.

A transwoman is no more a woman than a seahorse is a horse. Sigh. Arguably. But we exist, and if we are harmless making an exception and allowing us in women’s spaces seems worthwhile, so that gender variant people may find our way of being variant.

She doesn’t pass, and has stopped trying to. She uses makeup to express herself, and is fine that no woman would use it like that. This is brave. No longer worrying about fooling people into believing she is a cis woman allows her better to be herself. I’m not doing it for you! Today I am sporting a two color eye makeup in blue and purple, blue eye liner and blue lipstick! It’s my look and style and I like it. This attracts hatred: she was standing at a crossing and a middle aged woman hissed “pervert” at her.

I love the bravery. She is not fitting in. She has found a new way to be gender variant.

Yes AMAB people get sexually aroused by dressing female. But if you see one so dressed in the street they are probably not aroused. It makes tucking difficult. They probably do it too much to be aroused all the time.

She is read as TERF. A commenter writes, I recognize the risks that you and the high profile women’s rights advocates are running in this fight. They run no risk beyond being despised for the exclusion they preach, but incipient martyrdom is so much a part of their identity. I feel Lonely TS could be more challenging to such commenters. Being stuck in the binary with the trans-excluders is a waste.

Is she British? She knows the gender marker on the UK driving licence, and goes into some detail on the Gender Recognition Act, but does not know the Disability Discrimination Act 1995 was superseded by the Equality Act 2010 and uses US spellings- color, license. I find this odd. An American might be glad to hear of the GRA but not want to go into the minutiae. And I would expect most churches over here to accept a trans woman, except the most extreme Evangelicals.

I wanted to find out whether she uses men’s, women’s or disabled loos, but don’t need to know. I am sure she feels guilty and conflicted or frightened whichever she uses, and that is a shame. She is concerned for the rights and feelings of others, and I wish she knew she has a right to exist, in her unique way.

10 thoughts on “A Lonely Transsexual

  1. First time poster – I loved this part of your article: “So many of us are lonely. It is a difficult path. We distrust cis people and do not get on well with other trans women, because they reflect our insecurity and difficulty back to us.” This is hard, indeed. Thank you. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks, Clare. Also, I hate that crossdressing and transvestism is so much a thing on the MtF spectrum compared to FtM. What mental acrobatics we resort to to hang on to male privilege…!


        • Do you think that is the reason?

          Yes loss of male privilege is a shock, but also family rejection, job insecurity, casual prejudice in the streets…. there are a lot of things deterring transition. And I don’t make a rigid distinction between trans women and cross dressers. Some people who cross dress occasionally may be gender dysphoric but have reasons for permanently deciding against transition.


          • I think for most of those reasons, like family rejection, it comes from society’s inability to comprehend why anyone would want to give up masculinity and all its attendant benefits, so I’d say yes? There seems to more unconscious acceptance of trans men coming to light without any interim crossdressing limbo which I would attribute to societal/institutional misogyny. I guess I equate crossdressing with being in the closet vs. transgender/transition as shedding the shame of owning up to being a woman or some variant thereof. I have lots of reasons for permanently deciding against transition, also, which I’m trying to no longer heed. I’m very upset with myself that it took so long (I’m 47) but better late than never, I suppose.


  2. Better late than never. Yes. Congratulations.

    In my experience there are fetishistic cross-dressers who will not transition, but a lot of trans women put transition off as it is so scary. Loss of straight privilege matters too.


  3. Thanks for the congratulations, Clare. Visualizing myself as a woman has been my only source for erotic drive my whole life (I’m otherwise seemingly asexual – another thing I’m coming to grips with) and so I thought I was a kinky crossdresser and bought into the self-loathing that comes with thinking you have a fetish. I’d say that Julia Serano addresses the fetish aspect of being trans quite well in Whipping Girl and helped put that issue to rest for me. Not saying that fetishistic cross-dressers don’t exist, but the idea that trans women were never turned on by thoughts of being the best woman they can be are likely bogus. Loss of straight privilege matters, but should it define who we are or just be seen as a barrier to transition?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just found this blog this morning!
    We disagree on some things, agree on others but it is so nice that these disagreements are presented in a way that does not attack or abuse.

    I am British and my writing reflects the situation in the UK where many use trans as a trojan horse. Since writing some of my blog posts I have been made aware of significant cultural differences in other countries.

    I do use male spaces still by the way 🙂


    • Welcome, and thank you for commenting.

      I don’t know what you mean, “trojan horse”. Do you mean Trumpian levels of hatred and abuse against trans people trying to pretend it is left wing, as, say, Graham Linehan does? The hatred takes no pains to disguise itself. The horse was a disguise.

      Do you mean self-hating trans people writing in The Spectator and The Times? They get in to these right-wing, transphobic bastions; but then they convert, and write exactly what any other writer there might write about trans people.


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