A stronger sense of self

My sense of self is stronger. I move towards health, strength and sanity.

A paradox: I find aesthetic, sensual delight through spiritual practice. My spirituality relates to my physical situation. It does not relate to a soul, being part of the human being, and rarified, heavenly concerns, but the haill human being, here and now. And that gives me a sense of exhilaration, as well as a stronger sense of where and who I am.

I am one creature being itself. That raised the question, am I ever not? Possibly when responding from introjects.

Two conversations after worship: in one I said something I could have said at any time in the last three years, yet it was relevant, the man thought it helpful, and I said it to fulfil my goal of being constructive. That is, I was myself, doing my thing, and I am in agreement with myself (that is, not conflicted). I saw what I had made, and it was good. In the other I was at the edge of my understanding, paying attention, and again being entirely myself.

Someone thought I would be disappointed to find all-age worship, and I said “it is important to me to emphasise the good in any situation”. My vehemence surprised me. The idea began in my late 20s, listening to sermons, that it is better to emphasise an idea I value than bits I dispute as a certain man did, and has widened out to much or all experience.

My doing emerges from my being. This is who I am, and it pleases me. This is new for me.

“You are in touch with your serenity,” says Tina. Yes. “The aesthetic and spiritual open different parts of you.” I’ll think about that, but disagree atm- both come from love.

I am concerned for appearances. That could be from Heaven- aplomb, authenticity, coming from love, or from Hell- pretense to conceal myself, out of fear.

I like commenting on The Guardian. It is not human contact, but the dopamine from up votes pleases me. I can get in early to get a lot of up votes, though I find I get more for a rhetorical flourish or a polemic point strongly made than for something more nuanced or complex. And someone told me I was wrong about sickness benefits, in such a way I thought was disinformation, a deliberate falsehood to deceive, though now think was just a mistake.

I know people deliberately spread disinformation. I feel repugnance. It weakens individuals, who cannot act well if they do not have proper information, and also trust between people, and therefore the community. It is destructive.

That is, others attack the community, a thing I cannot imagine doing. Imagining it is uncomfortable. It is close to though less than the discomfort I used to feel when I felt disoriented, the feeling that my belief or apparent perception was not evidence for or against the thing believed.

Or it is the discomfort at feeling at sea and out of the community, not getting what everyone else gets.

People imagine their understanding of How Things Are is correct, sometimes. I know mine is better than it was- yet that means it was deficient, and how could I be certain of it now?

Yet my deeds emerge from my being, or I am being rather than merely doing, or being and doing are one. It is not introject, or fear of being seen in a way I feel I am that is unacceptable to others; it is authentic.

This is a slightly different version of that Blake picture:

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