A blessing

I had a good day, yesterday. I went into London to Friends House, and met some wonderful people. I might help arrange something worthwhile. Then I went to Tate Modern, and saw the exhibition Shape of Light: it is of abstract photography. Things which I would not consider beautiful became part of beautiful images. My photographs are of things, which I might seek to frame in an interesting way; just now I watched a video, and found myself noticing the light and dark in it more, I think, than I would have. I may change my photography, to consider the light more. I even find myself noticing the light around me more: the best exhibitions change the way I see. I cycled to the station, leaving home at 8.15 and returning after nine; it was a good day, a full day, quite tiring.

What we do in worship came up. I said I am dealing with emotional pain, finding a way of holding it and accepting it, experiencing it and healing it. The healing may be slow. The feeling is teaching me things I did not know, and will continue until I have learned them.

“The meeting can uphold people who need the silence for something else,” said someone. I felt patronised. I said I am aware of the others, and the communal activity. This is my way to communion with the light within, and it may take some time.

This morning I cycled to worship, still coughing after a virus which hit two weeks ago, thinking of that group. John, who is ninety, is particularly beautiful. I am not sure what I can contribute. In meeting, I thought of when I joined Quakers. I needed a place I could feel I belonged, and was not nearly ready for it.

There’s the anger. How could I be so blind, so stupid, never making the connections? I hurt, and so I berate myself. I am enraged at myself, that I could let myself be hurt. That was the start of the meeting. I had failed to bring the bicycle lock, and might have left my helmet lying on the ground outside. I feel stupid as well as tired.

Near the end, I saw it.

I must break the connection between pain and blame.

When I hurt, I feel such anger against myself! It could be my mother’s anger. This is part of it: allowing the pain to be, not blaming myself for it. The blame stops me going out.

Rather, I need gratitude and appreciation for all the blessings. I was in need, and I was showered with

kindness

There is always kindness. No-one judges me as harshly as I do. I wept at the pain of feeling that anger, at myself, of blaming myself. I am loosening my bonds.

7 thoughts on “A blessing

  1. I agree. .” I need gratitude and appreciation for all the blessings. I was in need, and I was showered with kindness
    There is always kindness. No-one judges me as harshly as I do. I wept at the pain of feeling that anger, at myself, of blaming myself. I am loosening my bonds.”
    Keep these thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yes. Life can be, and often is difficult. All we can do is maintain our faith, pray for, or garner our strengths and then do the best we can do address those things that are causing us difficulties. Recognising our strengths and using them for our own good and the good of others is, l think, one of many roads to happiness.

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  2. You have an engaging blog Clare … keep it up

    BTW, I have been trying to feminize my voice. I did a research and discovered that it is possible to feminize your voice without another excruciating surgery. I searched around and found this tutorial: [Edited to remove Bitly link] (Sorry I don’t know if I am allowed to post links or not). It is a set of easy to follow at home exercises. It looks interesting and the testimonies are inspiring. I like to know your opinion, do you think it is useful? (I did study some research papers and their claim seems legit)

    Like

    • Welcome, Abbasi. Thank you for commenting.

      I would rather you did not give a bit.ly link. There is no need to shorten links, as there is no character limit on wordpress. It could be a link to anything.

      Voice feminisation is a lot of work, but worth it. I started with easy sounds like ‘n’ and ‘m’, and worked my way up to the voiced ‘th’, as in ‘this’. I went to a speech therapist, but perhaps not everyone needs to.

      Like

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