Avoiding transition

-Doctor, I am a trans woman. I want to transition, and I want your help and support to do that: I want testosterone suppressants and oestrogen, and I may want surgery at some time, I have not completely decided on that.

-Many people transition, and find it makes them happier and better adjusted. You can certainly transition. Why do you want to?

-I knew there was something wrong before I went to school, and when I went to school I worked out what it was. I was a girl, and I am a woman. I did not feel as the boys felt. I did not want to play with the boys. Now, I do not like to be with the blokes. I much prefer being with women.

-What does it mean to be a woman? When you say you are a trans woman, what is it that you are?

-I am feminine, by which I mean I am sensitive. I have strong feelings, and I like to express them. I am good at reading the feelings of others. I loathe conflict, and like reconciliation. I want people to be happy. I have a strong aesthetic sense: I love beauty, and enjoy flower arranging.

-I wonder if that could be a description of a man. Have you ever heard Alfred Brendel play Beethoven, or Maurizio Pollini, Chopin? Can you hear the strong feelings, the sweet yearning gentleness, expressed there? Or have you seen the paintings of Henry Raeburn or Allan Ramsay: there is strong feeling. The painters well those passions read, which yet survive on the living canvas. Both painted women as well as men. As for wanting people to be happy, Jesus would not break a bruised reed or quench a smouldering wick. Jeremy Corbyn, always speaking out for peace- is he not a man? Or Carl Rogers, who founded person-centred counselling? Why is being a man so difficult for you? What does it mean to be a man?

-Rudyard Kipling’s If. The Scout Law. Self-reliance. Rationality. Preferring things over people, rationally organising. Relishing conflict, and overcoming.

-These are difficult for anybody. If all around are losing their heads, and only one is keeping his, are the others not men, or not real men, or what? What should they do? Give up their Man card? Can you think of anyone who is like that? It seems to me your difficulty is not with being a man, but with your idea of what a man should be.

-Well, in my case I want to transition. I am happiest when I am Clare, and when I go back to being Stephen it is horrible.


The lightbulb must want to change. By the time you see the gender psychiatrist, you know who you are, and what you need. No-one goes to the psychiatrist because they might be transsexual. Now, years afterwards, I am well aware of the breadth of male and female emotional expression and rationality, relish for conflict or desire for reconciliation, interest in things or people. I can value my gentleness. Now, with the new concept of gender-schematic, I can see that imagining some concept of manhood separate from my own gifts and inclinations is poisonous rather than idealistic, pointless and harmful, and while one might escape it into transition it would be so much better to escape it into appreciation of onesself as a rounded human being.

As for “femininity”, women are not all like that, and to some extent neither am I. So often in a group, the trans woman is the only one in a skirt, the cis women are far more spirited than our passive ideal. One sees that “femininity” is often oppressive. Equality is better than subordination- By marriage, the husband and wife are one person in law: the very being and existence of the woman is incorporated and consolidated into that of the husband, wrote Blackstone (quoted by Rebecca Solnit). Concepts of femininity might be closer to who I am than the concept of masculinity I grew up with, but still require me to deny parts of myself. It seems such a long way round to self-acceptance.

People will continue to transition. Many people are satisfied with the result of their operations, and others’ dissatisfaction as well as my own goes with poorer results- pain, and lessened sensitivity. If I advise people not to transition, that may fall on deaf ears. Yet there are better ways to health. How to unpick the desire? I do not advocate conversion therapy, but self-acceptance: yet acceptance of body as well as character. “Why are you so unhappy?” might be a good question.

On trans rights, having transitioned I am entitled to be treated as a woman. So are any others who go through this. It is hard enough to be trans, without the covenant we have with liberal human rights, by which we are members of the acquired gender, being overturned.

15 thoughts on “Avoiding transition

  1. Don’t listen to the voices be they internal or external you may be on a downer now but that is not forever . Do what is best for you always and be safe . I hear you and I understand . Having that inner belief in yourself fluctuates with me too due to my upbringing and my personality . Nothing is permanent not even bad times . I send you best wishes for better days ahead . X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome, Jac. Thank you for commenting. I love the interaction of blogging.

      I feel as I struggle that my inner belief becomes truer. It is like being pruned: my old arrogance, based on fantasy, falls away and I see myself more clearly, love myself more dearly.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Welcome, Tiffany. Thank you for commenting.

      Edwin Muir, The Road:

      The great road stretched before them, clear and still,
      Then from in front one cried, “Turn back! Turn back!”
      Yet they had never seen so fine a track,
      Honest and frank past any thought of ill.
      But when they glanced behind, how strange, how strange,
      These wild demented windings in and out-
      Traced by some devil of mischief or of doubt?-
      That was the road they had come by. Could it change?

      How could they penetrate that perilous maze
      Backwards, again, climb backwards down the scree
      From the wrong side, slither among the dead?
      Yet as they travelled on, for many days
      These words rang in their ears, as if they said,
      “There was another road you did not see”.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Avoiding transition — Clare Flourish – BellEva Worldwide

  3. Very good insight Clare and indeed I am at that cusp now myself ready to decide what I do going forward. What are the merits of HRT or surgery and can I just continue living two lives. All food for thought but I don’t feel pressure and will only want to do the right thing for me which may just be social transition. Thanks for the reflective thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you.

      As Tiffany said, Come from your heart. I found two lives unbearable: I would go back on a Monday morning to being him, and be miserable and stressed. So it is only theory rather than experience that says the two lives might be blended, a diaphanous silk scarf with your suit and tie. I was my gentle empathetic self when still dressed male, it was just I was not reconciled to that.

      Who are you, really?
      How can you be yourself in society?
      How can you communicate your character in the symbols you use, of clothes and demeanour?


  4. Dear Clare. Your blog is without doubt the most provocative I read about a life that echoes my own. I am amazed that each day you are able to give expression to another thought or theme of profound importance. That you do so with wit and grace (and resist self pity for yourself) and are also able to confront those who seek to undermine us is something else that amazes me. I am grateful to you for your post on the male gaze which is something that bothers me, as well as the whole debate about autogynephilia, and also for including some of the less savoury things about which some of us may be preoccupied – ‘Hanging’ springs to mind. As well as a source of thanks from your followers I hope that your blog is also a route to peace for yourself. Thanks, Alice.


    • Alice, you say some lovely things. I want to work out what I think about trans and gender, and what is in the interests of gender non-conforming people, especially those considering transition, though with more of a trans woman’s perspective than a trans man’s. Peace is variable, and relative.


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