Living as a woman

To get gender recognition, you must swear that you intend to live in the acquired gender until death. How? The range of tolerated gender expression for cis women is wide. If I never wear makeup or skirts, is it enough? There are cis women who don’t. I am thinking about what I say rather than how I present, and my voice pitch drops- do I have always to mind my voice? Or if I always wear skirts, high heels and make-up I may be called “a ridiculous caricature of a woman”- “No-one is as feminine as that”. What a performance gender is, writes a cross-dresser in The Guardian, with pictures from the 1880s to the 1980s.

Do I have to wear my wig all the time? A friend wore one, even in bed, as she could not bear to look at herself in the mirror in the morning with her bald head. Either you lie very still while asleep, or that quickly ruins a wig.

I live as a woman. My clothes are from women’s clothes shops, I pay some attention to my voice, I use a woman’s name. And, I cycle in a helmet but no wig, and go into the small shop in Marsby in that helmet. It’s pink, with a floral pattern.

I never try to pass as a man, though I am seen as one. That must be part of it- I am in good faith. Certainly at the time I affirmed the statutory declaration I had that intention. Fair minded people who imagined the phrase was not impossibly constraining would probably give me a pass mark. That is, anyone might deny it if they wished.

Yet I use a woman’s name, a female gender-marker- the title “Miss”. I use women’s spaces. Requiring anything further means specifying what clothes, or even perhaps jobs, are sufficiently feminine, so the law cannot do it. However, to maintain sufficient public acceptance, I must appear sufficiently feminine in the eyes of enough beholders.

“A man,” she said. “A middle-aged man“. “A married man“. “He“. She looked at me for a reaction, but I am not going to object. I sold the pass the first time I tolerated this, I knew it was not a mistake then. And I sympathise with her, I feel she has been wronged by this trans woman. We are women because we are accepted as women, and we are never accepted as women by everyone. I can’t force anyone to use particular pronouns, and the best I can do is to not overreact or get too upset about it. It is not news to me that I am seen as a man.

Withdrawing acceptance because someone has done something you object to is an easy trick. Calling her a “man” is a way of showing contempt, but also a way of controlling us: good trans will be tolerated, bad trans, who do anything someone objects to, will not. Then almost everything I do can be unacceptable, calling down the threat of rejection implicit in “he”.

And tolerating me in women’s toilets because I have had the operation- that gives people the incentive to have the operation, hoping to be tolerated; yet arguing that trans is wrong because it involves mutilation and lifelong dependence on synthetic hormones-

together, those leave no space for us. You are a Man. A man. He. I am not going to let it get to me, I insist, but it is wearing.

What do you think it means, to “live as a woman”?

5 thoughts on “Living as a woman

  1. to live as a woman is to feel that you have the heart and soul of one; that you share their empathy and have enough of the feminine in you to want to be seen as one by the public. Not all women look like women and I see many cis-women who don’t bother trying to buy into conventional ideas of femininity. To live as a woman is to first embrace yourself as one and hopefully that energy radiates out to everyone else but then what others think doesn’t matter nearly as much as what you think of yourself.

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