Life as it is

I am going to Yearly Meeting, and rather than delight I anticipate feeling bored, lonely and out of sorts, getting cold and wet, my phone discharging and not recharging. My default state is fear- of what??? Increasingly I am tongue-tied, as when I think of something to say I immediately think of qualifications, even think the opposite is true, and to free that log-jam I type rapidly, without judging. Fear of-

bad things happen-
disapproval-
OK for this month, not sure after
losing benefits
death- not quite welcome it, would solve some problems- would not be worried any more, not sure what to do with life
-fear of process?
-dying alone?
non-specific anxiety

Thinking about Yearly Meeting Gathering, trying to set aside the fear, I anticipate joy- connection- understanding- laughter
anticipate-

We share the idea of Hell as ideas of heaven you don’t understand enjoy or fit in: others sit on the clouds, but I keep falling through; others play their harps but I get wrong notes- a martyr might find his seventy virgins unattractive…

-What stops me from doing things? The feeling that there would be no point. It is better to be bored than frustrated. It seems I am merely and always ineffective. If I play the piano, errors creep in, so that it is not worth all the necessary practice, and eventually I don’t play at all.

fear of failing, not matching my judgment.
I can’t achieve what I want and don’t even know what I want. Everything is a waste of time.

To put that into a coherent paragraph- my life as I have created it is all that I fear. I consider it- sitting at home watching telly, scrolling facebook, not reading, not spending much time with friends, and find it ghastly yet desirable. It could be my way of rebelling against other people’s ideas of what is desirable. I have picked up ideas of what I ought to desire, but do not. I am like a teenager in a strop/ funk/ sulk, for I have no idea of what I might actually desire, that has been driven out by the need to conform to other’s ideas, and then simply to hide away and not be noticeable. I sit in my living room watching telly. That is not enough for me, not nearly enough, a complete waste, but I don’t know what else I might do, or want to do.

I fear that I will make an effort and not achieve what I want, or not be able to construct a coherent plan that I might reasonably hope would achieve what I want. From this base of dissatisfaction I have to find new ideas of what to want, or how to get it, and forming the ideas seems just too hard.

I do not anticipate finding joy.

She asks, there is so much judgment in this- whose judgment is it? Yours?
-Well, I am not facing anyone else’s judgment at the moment, though I have taken it into myself from others.
-self can be hardest taskmaster of all.
-Oh yes.

My life now is bearable and unbearable, horrible and desired. I feel dreadful frustration.

I trust the Yearly Meeting Gathering enough to go.

15 thoughts on “Life as it is

  1. I just got home from a jazz performance. Your post has much the same feel. When you make a mistake on the piano, though, just repeat it. Improvise, my dear!

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          • I know where the miles came from. The Pilgrims sailed over 3,000 of them to bring them here. I also know where the Rolling Stones came from, but we both refuse to call them the Rolling 6.350 Kilograms. Of course, the US dropped the “Imperial” from any measurement. There was an attempt to make the US convert to the metric system, but it quickly led to a Metrexit. Interestingly, Canada embraced the metric system, though.

            My analytical side agrees that the metric system is more useful and consistent, but imperial weights and measurements are more like jazz – more romantic, even.

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            • I had a client who could not tell me how far he could walk in yards, but because he loved horse-racing could tell me how far in furlongs. I have just looked it up: did you know there were four pecks to the bushel?

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            • Yes, I remember that from grammar school, although I’ve never had occasion to actually use that information (other than in the expression, “I love you a bushel and a peck” – so 25% more than what is the minimum required of love, I suppose.) It’s the metric ton that has me baffled….choose one, for crying out loud!

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            • Metric tonne, imperial ton. And US measurements are not always the same as Imperial ones; there were Scots miles, twice as long as English miles. From Dostoevsky, Tolstoy and Solzhenitsyn I learned of the verst, but am unsure how long it was. Verst Davis has quite a ring to it.

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            • I looked it up – Verst = approx. 2/3 mile. The Miles Davis Quintet was still only 1/5 Miles….unless he’d had a younger brother named Verst in the band, and that would require algebra to calculate. Mileage usually varies, however, and I think I’ve taken this as far as it should go (by most every measure).

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            • Well, again I have had to look up something you’ve said. I was unfamiliar with “mi duck.” I see that duck probably comes from duke, and now I’m not sure if you may be referring to another music great, Duke Ellington. How many miles can I travel if I “Take the A Train,” I wonder………..

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            • The A provides the longest one-seat ride in the New York subway system, at 32.39 miles (52.13 km) between Inwood and Far Rockaway. The Chattanooga Choo Choo goes considerably further, to Tennessee. The Northern line is 58 km, and the Metropolitan line 42 miles- Google gives the distances in different units, so Google can get confused too. A Glen is a valley, near the beginning of those Pilgrims’ journey, not suitable for Millers- the land is mostly used for sheep farming.

              For these are my mountains, and this is my glen
              the braes of my childhood shall know me again…

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          • In the Republic of Ireland for a time, they had changed their road signs on the main roads, giving distance in kilometres, and speed limits, but not on the minor roads, which still gave distances in miles. It’s not quite as bad as changing from driving on the left to the right in stages, but it was still confusing.

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            • I recall that when we changed from imperial to metric we faced similar problems. Theoretically one day we were officially using lbs, tons, pints, gallons, feet & miles, and the next we were using kgs, tonnes, litres, metres and kilometers, but the practicalities of the change meant that the two systems ran along side each other for a while.

              I remember the hassles recording expenses at work. At the time we had 3 work vehicles: one with the speedometer in mph and the odometer in miles; one with the speedometer displaying both mph and kph but the odometer in miles; and one with the speedometer in both mph and kph but with the odometer in kms. The vehicles were pooled between employees and we also used our own vehicles at times. The work vehicles could be used for both business and private purposes. We paid for vehicle running costs ourselves and were reimbursed for the business miles/kilometres we used. We kept individual log books where we recorded work mileage and we had to have our wits about us when calculated distances due to the fact the some odometers were in miles and others in kms.

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