Who am I?

Who am I?

I am Love.

The question “Who am I?” is a toddler’s question, and I approach it as a toddler. I did not learn this lesson well enough as a toddler- how blessed, to be able to go back to it!

I am Love. I am a human being, one of a social species, unable to live alone, needing a tribe, needing to bond. I am Love, which may have the advantage of promoting bonding but which I experience as delight in others and will for their good. I am Love, for God is Love, Love is God’s essence.

I am Will.

This is the toddler’s hardest lesson, which needs the best-adjusted, most loving parents to accomplish without some trauma. I want things which I do not have, even some, perhaps, which I cannot have. The parent can use this to teach deferred gratification, co-operation, sustained effort, hope and trust if the parent knows these things, but any difficulty the parent has with these will pass to the child. The sins of the fathers are visited on the children.

I am Playfulness.

I am joy, laughter, and delight. I have an affinity for every beautiful thing. We can bond and learn to know and trust each other in play. We can imagine new paths and possibilities. We can relax, completely.

I am Curiosity.

I am interested in life, and anything new or different. What is it? How could it be used for my purposes? Who are people, and what makes them tick? I want to know my world, to bless me and all whom I love.

I am Need.

I cannot live by myself, without the help of others. I cannot accomplish my desires. I have skills and gifts I may offer, but I cannot be independent. This too is a difficult lesson for a toddler. The parents can use it to dominate, to crush the child’s will. Yet it is part of being human- I would not want to be a polar bear, self-sufficient in the arctic ice.

I am in Meeting when I produce this list. I don’t know how it came to me, but I sat down about 10.10am reading a pamphlet on Love, noticed who is here, and found this around 10.40. This is who I am. I am certain of it. I wanted to know myself, and this is the foundation of knowing. There was one more lesson before the end:

I am Not worthless.

And I was pain. I was the pain of the lesson I learned as a baby, of my Worthlessness, the pain of carrying that lesson all my life, at first so deep in my essence that it affected everything in my life though I was not conscious of it it was just the truth part of the air I breathed or the reality I walked in. And then when I became conscious of it and found, intellectually, that it was not true, it was still there like a spider with its claws in my back, so that I could not shift it.

Now I have laid that burden down. I am Love, Will, Playfulness, Curiosity, Need. I am Not worthless. At best I have laid the burden down, at worst I have broken its back so that it may have some effect on me in the future but less and less. I am Not worthless. I am beautiful and true.

At home, I come up with a further characteristic.

I am Courage.

I will face down threats and go where I need to go. It is only human, after all.

6 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. Beautifully stated Clare. There are people in my life that do need reassurance about their worthiness, and your words express what they need to hear so much better than anything I could say. With your permission, I’d like to make a wall hanging using your words to help to remind themselves that they are valuable and valued.

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  2. I love and echo Barry’s idea of creating a wall-hanging of this post. I needed to read it myself just now. I am so afraid that I’ll end up alone and lonely. And yet I did create a list of people who I really think do support and love me, Emma. Surprised, I came up with 22! Split 50/50 male and female. And yet I doubt that they are all true in this.

    I think it’s especially hard for me to trust anyone. Too many years of hiding even from myself. I’m trying to be patient and not be a burden on anyone. We’ve all experienced people who overwhelm those who support them so much that they pull back. So I must step and speak delicately, and just be Happy Emma, although at times I’m crying inside.

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  3. I think I am “all that”, especially if I don’t try to sneak “I am humble” into the mix. 😉

    I am wondering if you might have been more consistent had you said “I am Worthy” or “I am of Worth”, rather than “I am NOT Worthless.”

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