Trust VI

I weep watching Youtube, and resent The Guardian, who made the video. It is such a cheap trick- will the couple split, or will their relationship and their understanding of themselves and each other mature and develop?

I love the subtlety and vulnerability of it, turning a political stance into a human reaction, putting Remain v Leave into a human relationship, and after weeping I hate it for a cheap will-they-won’t-they trick. I resent it.

I was weeping at Star Trek: Voyager the other day. In a moment of confusion, unable to believe what she admires and loves could be so monstrous, a character commits a betrayal she regrets for decades after. The set-up is so well done that the betrayal is accomplished with a change of facial expression and a meaningful look in a particular direction.

As I write, I still feel weepy after “Go Home”. I want to persuade you that Voyager could be worth watching, and worth crying over. Or myself. I am persuaded, actually, it was a striking story well told. And I resent crying at “Go Home”, the will-they-won’t-they and the resolution to it.

I resent the Guardian for making me cry, and I resent myself for being so soft that I cry at that. And I resent my washed out feeling two hours later. It is my own stupid fault, of course, for transitioning and fouling up my endocrine system.

(Never mind that transition was my route to freedom and self-acceptance. It is still my fault.)

You know that Sunday evening feeling? Oh God, I have to go to work tomorrow. Under stress, that expanded for me, so that on Friday evening I was thinking It’s the Weekend!- but I’ll have to go to work on Monday. I felt trapped. So, what? That was 25 years ago. I am- useless? Mentally ill? Traumatised? -for ruminating on that now.

Not useless. I am never useless.

I don’t trust, and the Tory-controlled Bureaucracy may take away my income because I am not doing enough to find work which I don’t want and can’t imagine doing or finding bearable. So the answer is of course a leap of faith, trusting in myself and the world to go once more into the breach except that the last time in the breach was pretty ghastly.

Should I cycle to Swanston to shop? I consult my unconscious by deliberately bringing myself into the Moment- touch that surface, bring the senses alive, and Know what I decide to do. Oddly enough, this time the conscious brain is saying that I do not need to, I have enough food in today, and the unconscious decides to go. It was lovely cycling in light rain, which cooled me as the warm air warmed me, lovely and comfortable.

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