Common Sense II

I hate common sense because it has not been kind to me.

Common sense says people want to do what they are paid to do, so they will continue to be paid to do it. So, when it is pointed out to them that they are not doing what they are paid to do, they will respond, “Ooh! Thank you! We will now do the sensible thing,” rather than “We know better, and what we are being paid to do is not what we want to do, what we clearly see to be the Right thing for us to do.”

I am sorry to keep going on about that, but it remains a big thing in my life. I was right. They were wrong. You will see that emotion is a huge part of my response to this issue- Would you do the same again? God knows, I might just run away screaming. I fought my big battle to get the crooked doctor sacked, and the next crooked doctor I gave up. I burst into tears in the tribunal waiting room and shortly after stopped doing tribunals. Yet, I was right. They were wrong.

Common sense also says that your parents don’t keep silent, lie or pretend about everything. Of course people do, because however much they pretend they don’t use common sense, not really. Pretence is so much more bearable than reality, at least until it breaks down, and you may be lucky and it does not break down, or even keep pretending after it did because that is all you know.

Common sense tells me I am a man and transition is ridiculous. So I fought it and ran from it. That did me no good. The desire to transition is completely emotional. It was more important to me than survival.

Of course I can think things through rationally, but when I apply feeling to them, the sensible thing has no life in it. Should I look for work? No. I would rather sit at home. I have been hurt, badly hurt, repeatedly hurt. I have had six years now of licking my wounds, mostly. Four years at least. It makes sense if I am healing. Possibly I am. What do I feel about it? I feel I am. I can say what I think, and there is a more profound action when I say what I know to be true. I am healing.

I don’t know. Perhaps I could find a less sterile way of conceptualising rational thought or common sense, some way less completely divorced from emotional content. Feelings give goals, then rationality finds ways to those goals, seems to make sense- when I think about it, I assent to it- yet when I try it, it does not seem to work. I use rational thought for worthwhile purposes, and the moments when it does not work for me, when I have emotional blocks against the obvious, common sense course, are vivid in my mind.

I am left with those emotional blocks, the moments when I run away screaming because I have fought this battle before, and lost.

2 thoughts on “Common Sense II

  1. Common sense tells me you’re a man if you feel comfortable being a man, and if you’re not feeling comfortable in that role, then you should find a role you feel comfortable in. It doesn’t make sense to me that anyone should act out what they are not.

    But then who am I to talk? I act as much like a neurotypical person as I can so that I go unnoticed, and continuously fail. Common sense tells me that what I should be doing is simply be myself and ignore the response and negative reactions. Perhaps common sense isn’t so sensible after all?

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