Self respect V

Mr Trump is only not a traitor because he is incapable of emotionally comprehending the concepts either of a moral obligation on himself or of loyalty. I pray that his sacking of Mr Comey is the desperate act it appears to be, and that enough honour is left that his fall is inevitable: that he has won himself more weeks, not more months, in the White House.

And yet I love the way he fights for his own selfish interests, his single minded, rat in a corner determination to do any damage necessary, that he might be free. There are times when a human being is alone and must do all it takes to survive.

Mmm. Which human being do I mean?

-Why don’t you want to work?
-Because I can’t see any good in it except money for bare survival. I don’t want responsibility, because I can only imagine that turning out badly. Walking back and forth in a warehouse bleeping barcodes as required by an automated system sounds ghastly. I would be required to walk faster than I reasonably could for eight hours, sacked after a few weeks for not walking fast enough, then sanctioned for being “voluntarily unemployed”.

And I don’t want to be told what to do.
-Why not?
-Because I will be told stupid things.

I have not dug down into this particularly, but in Newport I was in anguish because I thought what I was told to do was stupid, merely missing the point; there was something of that in Swanston, the complete lack of planning of the job I was given to do such that it became impossible to do it to any useful standard. I don’t trust or like people. Possibly I could work in a coffee shop. I could pull into my shell and not be noticed. Cleaning a table could be OK.

-You’re very bright.
-It’s a curse!

Or, it has not given me all I might want it to. And I see my friend not getting her way even though she is right, because others do not see that they are wrong- and her surprise; and she has approached the matter in an unpersuasive way, because she has seen the truth they have not.

I lack energy. I typically sleep in the afternoon, wake two or three times a night, can rely on myself to undertake a task in the morning, but not necessarily both the morning and afternoon, and the intellectual effort of writing a blog post tires me. I wonder if that makes me in any way “ill”- I lack a diagnosis for it. Many people like that have supportive families.

I have the gift of focusing tensions on me. Expelling me from Wellingborough local Quaker meeting was not a solution to a non-existent problem, but it did enable people to lash out at something, diverting their attention from their real problems. How marmite am I, that I can even rile Quakers?

On Saturday morning, I left home at 5.45 to cycle to Swanston, to get the train to London and arrive at the Tate at 8. Members can enter then, to see the David Hockney exhibition, and I was rewarded by sitting with five huge couple portraits, over 3m x 2m, including the wonderful Pool with two figures.

-Did that energise or exhaust you?

I loved the Pool. I loved the sunlight on the surround, and the cool forested mountains beyond. I thought of getting a poster-print of it for £25, but after the original it was not enough. And, after about five hours in the galleries, I was tired. So, both. I got to that room with those pictures, with just five other people in it rather than the scores who were there later, and thought, I can tell people of this experience. “I left home at 5.45 to cycle…” I was and I will be ran in my mind until I rebuked them, and settled into I am here. I am proud that I could concentrate on Fred and Marcia Weisman and wonder at her expression, the high neck and the way she seems to snatch her robe around her, yet it is slit…

I want to spend time with beautiful things.

And I am starving for a deep emotional link to People!

4 thoughts on “Self respect V

  1. What do I think? I loved this post. Your questions and answers are wonderful: we see the real you behind the screen. Most would agree that Trump’s an idiot and possibly worse, but there’s not much we as individuals can do about that now.

    Q: Why don’t I work?
    A: Because my focus is on determining where I am on the TG spectrum and if that means transition then… do it.

    Q: Why don’t I want to be told what to do?
    A: Because I’ve always waited for people to tell me what to do as a way to deny my own feelings and needs. I’ve decided that’s not been a winning formula and need to listen to my own fears, feelings, and take actions on my own.

    Q: You’re very bright!
    A: I’m no MENSA member but sure, I’ve accomplished a lot professionally and in engineering. I don’t see it as a disadvantage. Dara Hoffman-Fox wrote a wonderful book (and workbook) called “You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery” that suggests that part of determining one’s identity is to conduct experiments – which really fits for me. That’s how I’m trying to approach this now.

    Q: Am I energized or exhausted?
    A: I go both ways. When I feel exhausted I try to mindfully take care of myself, take a nap, cook a nice dinner, have a cup of tea, coffee, or wine. But I also know that actions facilitate energy, so I try to take actions on my experiments, to approach my gender identity determination with the fun of discovery. Easy to say, hard to do!

    Emma

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    • What it would take is trust in the possibility, overcoming suspicion of motives, and the first step. I talk to people on trains. Lesley, last week, was lovely, a school librarian going to visit her daughter and new granddaughter. We talked of her work, and of what delighted us. Even talking at bus stops is possible. I started talking to a woman in the Members’ Room at the Tate Gallery. She was more reserved, but we saw each others’ faces.

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