Can we perform psychological experiments on you? Oh, OK. After the exhibition of Elton John’s Modern photographs collection, I am wandering down through The Switch House past their seventh floor where the space for participative experiences is open, so I wander in and am given tasks to do. I like the idea of helping, of doing something interesting, of balancing myself against a task.

I look at pictures made of black patches on a white background. Some are moderately clear, some unintelligible, some become clear after they are named. The male and female lions, their noses touching, seemed to be random spots until the caption told me what they were. Some still appear to be random spots after the caption is revealed. How certain are you that you see the outline of the thing pictured?

Are these samples real or artificial hair? Two samples are straight, two waved, two heat-treated into tiny tight curls. I look at them, feel them, close my eyes to concentrate on the feeling, feel them with my lips for a more sensitive feel, scrutinise the ends, and still get two out of three wrong. How did I make the decision? he asks. I tell him I am pleased, as I wear wigs.

With four others I consider pictures to decide whether they are valued at more or less than £3000. The most expensive, we thought was a worthless daub. How certain are you, of your own judgment, and of the consensus? Not certain at all.

Last, I look at portraits by Lucien Freud, and am asked how much they move me. I move the indicator left and right with cursor keys. I only see the picture for a fraction of a second, and the indicator disappears quickly after. My heart rate is monitored, the woman says to see whether I am a heart or head person, how my heart rate shows arousal contrasting with my conscious assessment. “Is that too tight for you?” she asks as she straps it to my thumb. “Please make sure you can keep it still, as it responds to movement.” I rest it, relaxed, palm upwards, on the table. It was not too tight, and I felt an after-image of it in my thumb for hours afterwards.

My conscious assessment has to be so rapid it is pretty instinctive, but I notice that these portraits are young or old, and I am concerned how I might appear. Am I more moved by young women, and is that facile of me? I do not want to be facile. I decide to claim to be moved by some men, and some older people, then worry that as some of the portraits are repeated I am inconsistent…

After, the attractive young woman- post-doc age, I feel, rather than undergraduate- explains that some of the pictures were timed to appear as my heart beat, and some between beats. Do I respond to how my body is in the moment of seeing, or more cerebrally? “You are unusual“- she twinkles, this is a good thing- in being in between, sometimes moved by the heartbeat, sometimes not. We discuss the self-selecting sample. Usually she works with undergraduates, who spend longer performing tasks, and get paid. Here, the volunteers are in an art gallery.

Why should I care how I appear? They have a note of my age and gender, and have video’d the proceedings, but it’s a few years yet before AI and data-storage is good enough to make it worthwhile to identify me, analyse the data and add it to a file on me. I hope. H, who put me up, was horrified. Her mother had always been concerned about appearances, and she found this repressed her true self, which she liberated as soon as she could with the ardour of a rebel. I tend to feel I am unduly self-conscious about how I appear. I will not see these people again. How I appear has a great effect on how I am treated, even though decent people are accepting not judgmental of appearance.

To a great extent, it is how I appear to myself- though that is a way to judge how I appear to others, I could also notice their reactions more. If I wanted to game the system, I failed, as sometimes I responded to my beating heart- not controlling my appearance I might be even more self-conscious about it.

Appearance is such an all-consuming thing- voice, dress, movement, body-language, wig; and who I am, how I am with others, eye contact, touching, attention… in the moment, having been confused and not getting my desired sense of performing well and above average, and being inspected in a way I did not fully understand, I was self-conscious.

Fair use of low-res picture, to illustrate the article’s subject.

5 thoughts on “Appearances

  1. I have always used a magnifying mirror when applying my makeup, mainly because I can’t see well enough without glasses – which get in the way. In doing so, I see all the flaws on my face; wrinkles and saggy skin that are not so noticeable without the magnification. When I am done with the makeup application, I step away to look at myself in the regular wall mirror, and I am much more pleased (in the comparison, if nothing else). If I were to use my car’s side-view mirror, I would see the warning at the bottom of it: “objects in (the) mirror are closer than they appear.” But, I am the subject, not the object, in the mirror – am I not? Also, just what am I closer to (being)?

    Really, though, it is my image that is the subject (and, ultimately the objective) of my attempt to appear closer to the feminine person I feel with every beat of my heart (sometimes measured by a skipped beat). What I see in the mirror is still but two-dimensional, however.

    I spent many years with only a mirror to reflect my appearance. I was never secure enough to believe that my appearance would be acceptable to anyone else. When I finally decided that I must take the chance, though, I soon learned that my true and three dimensional reflection could be found only in the eyes of others. Such magnification cannot be found in a mirror.


    • Physical appearance matters a lot. Unfortunately some see “Old woman” and deduce “Of no interest”, a problem older men don’t have to the same degree. But then, some see me, think “weirdo”. It is hard to appear as one might wish.


      • Physical appearance does matter a lot, It is most often the cause for first impression. As hard as I used to try to keep up the appearance of a virile young man, even when I was accepted as one, I could see that I was a “weirdo” when I looked into the eyes of others. My appearance now is that of an old(er), fairly attractive woman – a lady, in fact. It is not a facade, as was my prior presentation, and so I see myself more deeply than before. So do those who are (fairly) attracted to my physical appearance, and allow me to show them who I really am. Of course, I make my own judgement as to who learns and how much. I go by first impressions, too!


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