The inner critic speaks

I am worthless.

I am stupid. I never see the most obvious things, do not make the most obvious connections, until far later than I should. I can be completely blind to things.

I am lazy. I do not do things which should take no effort at all. I should show some self respect, and clean my house, it is a tip. Being tired or unmotivated is not an excuse.

I am weak. Yet I am confrontational. All happiness is misery, because it will pass, yet misery and depression is seeing the world as it really is, so permanent.

I am ashamed of everything: action and inaction, desire and indifference, masculinity or femininity in myself.

I have disgusting belly fat.

The inner critic speaks and I find hacks. What I want is “disgusting” and “shameful”. Very well, I look at it, smile, and say “Disgusting and shameful” appreciatively, anticipating my disgusting delight. Or I see that these unconscious responses are not serving me, and set myself to tell the truth about them- yes, I want that. It is not wrong to want it. Persuading myself against my instinct or snap judgment is difficult, time consuming, and takes energy, but is worthwhile and I improve at it. Those instincts are changing.

Yet, there is so much energy in the inner critic! The exercise was to say all that is bad about you, and I spoke continuously for two minutes, vehemently and articulately, voicing thoughts which I do not think are true yet which are in me, which control me and prevent my actions. If only I could use that energy! It has felt that I am pulling against myself, for the longest time, like an isometric exercise pushing my fists together in front of my chest and getting nowhere, like horses pulling away from a central ring to which all are tethered- sweating and straining and not moving. That vehemence- could I channel it?

6 thoughts on “The inner critic speaks

  1. You need a companion to keep you distracted and make you feel appreciated. While you’re waiting for an appropriate human one to turn up, get a dog that needs someone to love it and care for it. Why does no-one ever listen to me??

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    • But I keep them all recorded here.

      You should really get a dog, you’ll lose the need to be heard by the clueless.
      to get in touch with your spiritual side and feel all your troubles melt away, you should really get a dog.
      Still think you’d really enjoy a dog.
      That’s why you need to get a dog. Did you go to the pound and look into their eyes?
      Okay, I’m suspecting that was a rhetorical question, but do you have a dog? Get a dog! Giving and receiving of unconditional love, combined with silly fun and exercise, is great for self-esteem.
      2013-2017. Isn’t it great to be blogging buddies for so long? You see how much I value your input?

      Like

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