Binge. Purge.

The title “Recovering Crossdresser” might make you think of recovering alcoholic- a person who will always have the temptations but is doing their best not to give in. Take it one day at a time. However, this blogger keeps cross-dressing. He loves lingerie. He was worn a skirt and a top, occasionally, but that does nothing for him.

I am not here going to look down on the man. Anyone prejudiced against us would see no difference between him and me, except in degree. “This kind of trans are disgusting weirdos, that kind of trans are completely acceptable, almost normal in fact” said no non-trans person ever. I am weird enough not to mock another’s idiosyncrasies. I have fellow-feeling.

If I tell you not to think about an elephant, you will think about an elephant. I don’t know how not to think about something, but writing a blog, detailing exactly what he was wearing, is not it. It can feel that way. Naming it- one of the wife’s white lacy bras, plus my own recently acquired white suspender belt, white hold up stockings and one of my white g-strings– may bring back the feeling of revulsion which led you to purge all your stuff in the first place, but will also foster the incipient feelings of arousal. That’s the way it works.

His wife’s bra? Well, she wears sensible underwear, rarely bothering to have it matching, and almost never wears the sexy frillies he buys for her. I have not read the whole blog, but not saying stuff may be the saving of the marriage. He buys expensive lace, it sits in her drawer, does she expect him to get a message not to buy more?

Possibly, thinking of cross-dressing with as little detail as possible, and dwelling on the shame, the feelings of not being in control, and the experience of being caught might stave off the desires. It was the only time, he said, in April 2015. “All hell broke loose”. However, now she “loves” it when he has his whole body waxed. She might have made the connection, and might be hinting she could bear his cross-dressing. I hope so. It would take a lot of the shame away, and that might reduce the compulsion. It would just be something he did.

He may seek out the shame, though. He wears lingerie to work. He calls this “underdressing”. He is careful to wear baggy sweaters so that cami-suspender lines do not show. But he is self-conscious:

I felt sure that there were people passing me by, who, as I sat there, minding my own business, casually reading, were, I felt, taking a slightly longer look in my direction slightly longer than might be naturally expected.

Maybe it was just me, in a partial state of paranoia, but then again maybe it wasn’t. 

I wonder if he has heard of shadow-motivation- acting to achieve something you are not conscious of desiring. He wants to be found out, or wants that delicious state of paranoia. If they are studying him, it is probably because they see he is more self-conscious than usual, not that they guess he has women’s underwear on. More likely, he is just imagining it.

Fear and shame are a great deal of the excitement. People are aroused a lot of the time, including at work, but an employer might disapprove of doing things there deliberately to get aroused, and colleagues might object, as women object to men watching pornography in public. Or, getting away with it might please him, but how would anyone know?

Here we are, with our fear, shame and compulsions. I might like to be free of them, but is anyone?

4 thoughts on “Binge. Purge.

  1. Firstly Claire, thank you (I think?) for linking to and talking about my blog entries. Normally, I am able to read something and fairly quickly follow its direction, but your entry made me read it more than once before concluding that there was in fact no criticism per se, merely observation and acknowledgement of fellow feeling – all of us being individual in our own ways and feelings in whatever direction we choose.

    However, I will exercise a right reply to clarify a few points:
    * Writing a blog is, for me, at least partially therapeutic. In describing myself as ‘recovering’, the direction is arguably a pendulum between crossdressing and not crossdressing, whether I should or shouldn’t, whether I want to or don’t want to, whether I am driven to do so or deterred from doing so as mindsets change, as life affects, as guilt resonates or peters out.

    Closeted as I am, there has been and is no confidante, so the blog entry gives some comfort in feeling that I can talk to someone, even though that is through the power of word rather than speech and verbal communication to someone deemed trustworthy. I cannot say that I do not wish to think or hardly think about crossdressing because I do – every single day. I neither seek to think about or not. Even with a year of abstention of the actual act, I was still thinking about crossdressing at some point and to some extent, great or slight, every single day.

    Naming the items was not a motivator for purging. Purging came in the wake of being semi-caught or when I had become upset with what I said were ‘depths’ or ‘extents’ to which I had plunged. It felt right at the time, but not usually afterwards, particularly from a financial perspective but also because of the lovely items that were discarded so flippantly.
    I don’t seek any message to stop buying for the wife, because I haven’t done that in a long time anyway, nor do I get any message from the fact they stay in the drawers. I do wonder why she keeps the items if she never wears them and I have often considered how I’d feel if she DID have a clear out. On one hand, frustrated at times, and on the other, relieved at being given a reason to not crossdress. It wouldn’t work anyway due to my own shopping habits nowadays.
    Dangerous though it may be to say with confidence, but there has been no rhyme or reason for my wife to ‘made a connection’ nor is she hinting that she could bear my crossdressing. She would not and could not. I don’t need a conversation of any kind to know that. Keeping quiet is indeed something which saves the marriage – hence the value of talking about it on a blog with no confidante otherwise. Her appreciation of my waxed body is welcomed – there’s nothing wrong with a bit of manscaping in this day and age – there’s a lot of it about and as my years tick by, I try much harder to look after myself in a number of ways. Looking more tidy and less like a distant relation of a gorilla or Yeti is valuable to me psychologically in particular, helpful for my well being, crossdressing aside.
    As for underdressing – it’s not what I call it – it is what I understand it is called within the crossdressing world – correct me if I’m wrong! I seek no shame. I only seek to be who I want to be when I want to be, whilst also acknowledging that we live in a judgemental and at times, intolerant society.
    Self conscious? No. Perceptive? Yes. Careful? I like to think so. Paranoid? That too I think. I may well be imagining that the looks I think I am getting are longer lingering than they actually are – they may not be looking in my direction at all, but being closeted, and acutely aware of the risks of being singled out, found out, expoosed etc, that doesn’t mean that I should refrain – I’m sure you’d agree. I would agree that it is interesting, stimulating in fact to be underdressed at work but other than perhaps as I undress to return home minus the lingerie, I don’t do so deliberately to get aroused. I know why I like wearing lingerie but I also know when control must be asserted and I would never go out to blatantly risk anything or the wrath of management that would only really end unfavourably and risk everything I hold dear – nor do I seek to get away with it – I merely seek to be how I want to be on any given day. I seek to be discreet in my underdressing and take care in the way I overdress as you refer. I remain acutely aware of all risks and have done for the 12 years I have resided in a firmly locked closet.

    You are right – here we are indeed with our fear, shame and compulsions and whilst at times, I might like to be free of them, sometimes I don’t. So I am either recovering one way or the other. To recover and be a crossdresser or recover and stop crossdressing, for reasons, right, wrong or indifferent.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Talking about it… – The recovering crossdresser?

  3. Thank you Claire for your warm welcome. I would agree that the two are polar opposites. Compulsion is a beast by itself but surpassed by shame as and when it strikes. The former seems to happen more but the latter is currently playing catch up for me and that does not sit well.

    Enforced abstention at present may be just what I need to go reset.

    Liked by 1 person

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