Not worthless

Night. Hours pass. Awake, and awake, and awake.

The strangest thing in my psyche, which I thought was insane, which I tried to correct, which still affected me, is how I see myself- at once, the centre of the universe and completely worthless. Of utmost importance and none. So I thought, I am a human being- fearfully and wonderfully made, yet one in seven billion- which is the rational position between these extremes, but the extremes still affect me. And I feel that being Worthless, and patiently learning to value myself, is the way to escape the extremes, as being the centre of the universe is merely a panicky, angry reaction to the feelings of worthlessness, which gets me nowhere.

I have a right to exist. I go back to imagining early childhood, not feeling welcomed or accepted. Imagining that I did not feel welcomed, whatever, how could I know, inner critic says I could not know, I assert it anyway. I learn that I have no right to exist except for what I can achieve, and feel resentment and anger. I revolt against that, to

I am the centre of the Universe

Yet from the very beginning that did not work. It is a defensive arrogance which I saw through, which had no effect on others. My minimum assertion is,

I have a right to exist

and that becomes important for me, for my survival, for my self-acceptance, for being worthless is intolerable for me. But I have to prove it- I have a right for what I can achieve. How could I demonstrate that I have a right to exist?

I am a good person

A good person has a right to exist. The problem then is that I have to define what a good person is, and prove that I am one. I continually fail- I thought, I lie to myself because I want to see myself as a good person. Proving my goodness to my own satisfaction becomes more important to me than any external goal.

I want reassurance. It will be alright, won’t it? I want that from another. My fear became unbearable, so I suppressed it, and now I work to calm my own fear.

No justification for myself is necessary, and none is possible. I am a human being. This kind of reassurance is not possible. “It will be alright” means only “I care about you and I want you reassured in this moment”- I don’t know, you don’t know it will be alright. In fact it won’t. I will die. I may age into infirmity and confusion. Seeking the justification- I have a right to exist, I am a good person- gets in my way, prevents me from achieving what I might want to achieve, diverts my energies.

Anyway, after boredly playing all sorts of programmes on the BBC Iplayer, I noted down this, which is half way between poem and hurried note, which I want to preserve:

I have a right to exist-
battered down, not accepted.
I have no right to exist, only for what I can do, be achieve
Resentment, anger, revolt
I am the centre of the universe
and nothing, and misery
and seeing this is not true, does not work,
I am not that. Yet
I have a right to exist!
A slight reassurance, a questioning- it will be alright, won’t it? I might
go out into the world. Then
I have no right to exist,
and yet, I do

Shedding the justifications
They justify, reassure, give me knowledge that I have a right to exist
I am a good person
and then I become dependent on them
Continually needing to prove them true
they become masters not servants
and I am terrified they are not true
No justification is necessary.
I will not survive
I will stop existing when I stop,
and till then exist.

I may dance, and refrain from dancing

girl-on-the-beach-pierre-puvis-de-chavannes

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