Night. Hours pass. Awake, and awake, and awake.
The strangest thing in my psyche, which I thought was insane, which I tried to correct, which still affected me, is how I see myself- at once, the centre of the universe and completely worthless. Of utmost importance and none. So I thought, I am a human being- fearfully and wonderfully made, yet one in seven billion- which is the rational position between these extremes, but the extremes still affect me. And I feel that being Worthless, and patiently learning to value myself, is the way to escape the extremes, as being the centre of the universe is merely a panicky, angry reaction to the feelings of worthlessness, which gets me nowhere.
I have a right to exist. I go back to imagining early childhood, not feeling welcomed or accepted. Imagining that I did not feel welcomed, whatever, how could I know, inner critic says I could not know, I assert it anyway. I learn that I have no right to exist except for what I can achieve, and feel resentment and anger. I revolt against that, to
I am the centre of the Universe
Yet from the very beginning that did not work. It is a defensive arrogance which I saw through, which had no effect on others. My minimum assertion is,
I have a right to exist
and that becomes important for me, for my survival, for my self-acceptance, for being worthless is intolerable for me. But I have to prove it- I have a right for what I can achieve. How could I demonstrate that I have a right to exist?
I am a good person
A good person has a right to exist. The problem then is that I have to define what a good person is, and prove that I am one. I continually fail- I thought, I lie to myself because I want to see myself as a good person. Proving my goodness to my own satisfaction becomes more important to me than any external goal.
I want reassurance. It will be alright, won’t it? I want that from another. My fear became unbearable, so I suppressed it, and now I work to calm my own fear.
No justification for myself is necessary, and none is possible. I am a human being. This kind of reassurance is not possible. “It will be alright” means only “I care about you and I want you reassured in this moment”- I don’t know, you don’t know it will be alright. In fact it won’t. I will die. I may age into infirmity and confusion. Seeking the justification- I have a right to exist, I am a good person- gets in my way, prevents me from achieving what I might want to achieve, diverts my energies.
Anyway, after boredly playing all sorts of programmes on the BBC Iplayer, I noted down this, which is half way between poem and hurried note, which I want to preserve:
I have a right to exist- battered down, not accepted. I have no right to exist, only for what I can do, be achieve Resentment, anger, revolt I am the centre of the universe and nothing, and misery and seeing this is not true, does not work, I am not that. Yet I have a right to exist! A slight reassurance, a questioning- it will be alright, won’t it? I might go out into the world. Then I have no right to exist, and yet, I do Shedding the justifications They justify, reassure, give me knowledge that I have a right to exist I am a good person and then I become dependent on them Continually needing to prove them true they become masters not servants and I am terrified they are not true No justification is necessary. I will not survive I will stop existing when I stop, and till then exist. I may dance, and refrain from dancing