What does she think of me?

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This cannot, of course, be known, but there may be indicators.

What do I know of her?
What interactions have we had?
How does she respond to me?

I thought, I cannot imagine that she thinks of me something I cannot think of myself; but I can, if I realise she might think something of me that is not true.

I do not need to believe what she might think of me to be true, and imagining that she thinks it of me nonetheless might help me believe that it might be true.

How many steps from what I may observe and ascertain are we willing to go? Any number, but the further we go, the more speculative it becomes, the less certain I might be.

It is easier to imagine she thinks of me bad things- an irritant, not worth the effort, a project because some people get warm feelings of self-regard from helping others. She wants to see herself as a good person.

Well, I want that for myself. Doesn’t everyone? Stuck between the thoughts of “Oh God, I thought only I was like that” and “Doesn’t everyone?”, I am continually surprised. I feel isolated.

Or I could play lawyers’ games. We do not need to believe something- what is possible, is there any evidence for it? Think outside the box. When I did Myers Briggs it seemed I could express how I wanted to be, what I admired.

If you have enough humility, it may be impossible to humiliate you. This may be a strength, because you cannot be prevented from doing something by the risk of humiliation, or a weakness because you see no need to avoid humiliation. It all depends.

I want safety, but my ways of seeking it make me unsafe. In particular I do not act because I want certainty of success before acting, and have stringent ideals of what success looks like.

What stories do you tell about yourself, and what do they achieve for you?

“I am a victim”.
-So, I am not to blame for my situation.
-So, there is nothing I can do about it.

Blame does me no good, especially self-blame, but it is my habit. Could I let go of it, without seeing myself as a victim?

What stories do you tell others? Would they tell you if they thought them untrue? Would you be able to hear them if they did?

I want to extend my range of possibilities.

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5 thoughts on “What does she think of me?

  1. Dearest Clare (and you know you are dear to me)
    Who cares what she think of thee?
    In any case, as the sages say,
    It’s what I think of myself that shapes the day.
    Be strong, be proud, be bold and true!
    And others? They either love or ignore you.
    Those that hate, despise and mock,
    For every jeer they build a rock
    Upon their own backs, and – pity them, therefore
    They know not what they are doing,
    Whereas you, dear friend, you know full well
    That by thy thoughts and actions
    Thou are doing
    Miracles.

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    • I am intensely moved by your poem. Thank you.

      And- this is not one of those crushes of which I feel so ashamed. I was thinking of one particular woman who is lovely but whom I do not desire, but it could be universalised: I was thinking of the difficulty I have in imagining that I have good or worthwhile qualities, and finding a way in to fantasising that I might, entertaining the possibility, then considering arguments for it. I know I am intelligent. I am kind. A writer said last week I am very good at writing, and I was delighted and am- entertaining the possibility. I was not thinking of people who jeer, but of some particular Quakers, wise, perceptive women.

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  2. Thinking is antithetical to this kind of knowing. ‘I was thinking of the difficulty I have in imagining…..’ Yes. But imagination is all consuming, a dream that keeps us alive and moving, as we breathe. Beside it, thinking pales into desperation. Why not use your thinking gently, for mending bikes and reading maps…. and allow it to rest aside when rediscovering your beauty, your talents, your shining loveliness. You can no more put a thought around your genius, than I could hope to paint the sun. 😀 Believe it, baby!

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