“He had such a sense of entitlement!” she said. How ridiculous. We did not discuss what she meant, but she said something of him, and it seemed to mean that coming from a privileged background he expected his privilege to continue, though he was resentful of the greater privilege of people he knew. She had had to work for everything she has.
I added the phrase to my repertoire of self-examination. There is something wrong with me: I stopped work and like to stay at home. Human interaction troubles me. Part of its use is seeing how I might improve, but a lot of it is self-torturing: this is another way in which I am wrong and inadequate! I am angry with myself.
Self-torture is more effective when there is some truth in it. I was always the privileged child, expected to go to University and get a good job. That thought became mangled with ideas of male privilege: I had been brought up with it. The woman knowing she has to work for everything forges ahead, the- whatever I am- used to having things handed to them is bereft and incapable when things no longer are. That is not a good model of how my life has been.
It’s partly a lack of negative capability, the ability to be in uncertainties. Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. I am unhappy working for something. I imagine all the things that could go wrong. I need to have an understanding. Things should be easy, and I should achieve them immediately, so I am baffled when there are difficulties.
I should achieve them immediately. That is contrary to all experience. It is ridiculous. Life is hard. That it makes no sense to me is another reason why I am unconscious of it; yet when I dredge it out of unconsciousness, it explains a great deal. It fits my actions and feelings, so may be what my attitude really is, however ridiculous it is when stated. I compare myself to the ideal me, which always manages things without effort, and so find myself wanting.
A sense of entitlement might be a problem. You do not do the work you need to do to achieve what you want, because you do not realise that you have to do it, or you resent having to do it so do not do it well, or give up. Or it could be a blessing: you know you are entitled to x, so you claim it, your brass neck overcoming obstacles, your self-confidence giving you the drive to succeed.
I want to be safe, just for the moment. I want not to be stressed, and having still been stressed though not working I want to let go of my instruments of torture, so that I would self-examine not to get me to do anything in particular- tidy my house, look for work- because I ought to do it, but to appreciate myself and to liberate myself, gently let go of this anguished stressed self-judgment and relax. I want to do that so that I might become more effectual; and I have the shadowy thought that this is- staying the wrong side of the Gate of Metanoia. I want to let go of any ulterior motive. Right now my work is self-care, accepting and appreciating myself- just that and nothing else, because I hurt badly.