Truthfulness II

I am a truthful person. I value my truthfulness. But it is not a bulwark against the vicissitudes of life.

When I was considering transition, I interrogated myself- is this fantasy? Is this sexual perversion? If it was true that I was transsexual, then it was right for me to transition. On balance, it was, but I wanted more than that, I wanted to be clear that life would be bearable afterwards. Then I had lots of insults in the street in the days after, and broke down in tears.

It is a pain being trans. Not transitioning can be ghastly. Transitioning can be ghastly too, though not always: some of us are extremely strong and resilient. I saw one on the telly last night, being asked about her academic expertise with no need to allude to the fact that she is trans. Her face and voice are good too, but there is something about her figure and her hairline that meant I read her, so I went to look her up: she had been outed by the gutter press.

What is the truth of a situation? After a certain amount of effort to understand, further effort does not produce proportionate gains. I had the feeling of trying to remain upright in a storm at sea, with the deck bucking and twisting beneath me- holding myself tense is exhausting, relaxing and going with the movement, riding it, might be easier.

And, I keep the truth of my current situation below consciousness, much of the time. I do not like it, but do not see how I can improve it. Though I take action to improve it when I can. This might be common: Quiet desperation is the English way sang Pink Floyd. Ah, it’s from Walden: The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.

I love my truthfulness, and fear that it was important to me in part because it was part of my self-image as a Good Person. I need to be a Good Person so I will be Safe- but that does not matter either, bad things happen to good people. And- integrity matters. Insofar as I lie to others, I lie to myself, which makes me less able to respond to the world as it is. My reputation matters to me.

And- I go back on my word, and I lie. I let people down. Well, I am not perfect. No-one is. I do my best.

4 thoughts on “Truthfulness II

  1. being trans has been the biggest burden of my life and no matter what one does its difficult. Some days I am sure I need to transition and then the next I am sure I don’t. What keeps me balanced is the knowledge that I didn’t make any of this up and am doing my best day after day. If something needs to be done I will do it if my health demands it. But take heart Clare that you are definitely not alone in feeling this way.
    I can tell you are a good person just by the way you write and express yourself and if you doubt what you have decided to do you shouldn’t because no matter which option you choose it can be so hard sometimes. It is the nature of existence.

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  2. I love your courage to speak your truth as I know you’re inspiring many. Though I am not trans, I am an ally and you’re helping me, too: to understand and see your struggles and triumphs. And lawd, I’m so far from perfect that I could spell my middle name IMPERFECT, but accepting ourselves just as we are is perfectly necessary. And we’re all so much more alike than different. Keep on shining! 🙂

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    • Thank you for being an ally. You are very welcome here. Thank you for commenting.

      I love how you are helping others on a spiritual path. (Have you tried Quakers? You might be happy with a Friends General Conference meeting. We carry a mystic tradition within Christianity.) I am working through my own. Generally here, I say who and where I am. I wish you well, and would love to have you read along here, commenting as you felt moved. Writing helps me think things through and get things clearer in my mind.

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