I feel fear

That tribunal, I can’t remember whether we won or not, but they expressed disapprobation that the young man should be spending all his time on video games. Hours every day, rather than- what? Something constructive? If he were unfit for work, that could hardly be looking for work. Contempt might not be quite it- possibly like a benevolent magistrate, wanting by a rebuke to a chastened, basically decent, young man who had followed the wrong road for a bit to bring him back to better ways, which would be good for him.

I can’t remember if he won, and lost interest when the tribunal was over so have no idea whether he cut down his gaming habit. Then there was the older man whose brother looked after him. Did everything for him, so he did, and then I saw him again six months later, no longer living with his brother, pleased to be doing something for himself. He saw it was better.

I should deal with that email, and I am still scrolling facebook. At least I might clean my teeth. Or I could meditate for a bit.

The sky is blue, and condensation on the window glitters. I can see the individual droplets, behind the leaf-pattern on the net curtain, obscuring the houses behind. My attention flickers over sensations in my neck, then feet, then back to the droplets. I should deal with that email, and I feel fear. I recognise it. I fear that email. I get up.

The inner critic says the fear is completely unreasonable- ridiculous and disgusting, expressing contempt. My rational self agrees. There is nothing to fear, here- this benevolent magistrate lacks imagination. No, really- there is nothing to fear here. And- I fear! I had no idea how much I feared, not consciously, I noticed that I continued scrolling facebook or clicking to see if I had more page views, not so much pro-cras-tinating, putting off until tomorrow, as putting off second to second, in an endless present of doing something else.

(It is important to me that I know the Latin etymology, that I am that educated person)

How to gain self-respect? Denial no longer hacks it. I fear, unconsciously, I run away and avoid, hardly linking the avoidance to the stimulus because I do not recognise the fear-

I decide I should face the email before writing about this-

and cannot act on the fear because I despise it. All is unconscious, the fear, avoidance, running away.

I still can’t understand that I feel fear for that- such an insignificant thing- rationally it should not bother anyone, the inner critic is screaming contempt, the rationalist is puzzled-

perhaps I should face it. Consider the email. Take the action. If I deny my fear I do not know what barrier prevents that action so cannot overcome the barrier.

Fear increases when I think of dealing with the matter. But, last night Paul phoned to chase me up, so I must deal with it today. Last night I wanted to apologise to him and could not say it, I felt embarrassment. He understands my problems, he says, naming ones I had not considered.

I have dealt with it. Not perfectly, but I hope it will be alright, and if not it will be dealt with. So much better to be meditating, to be sometimes conscious, rather than running from consciousness; even though consciousness means uncertainty, rather than immediate corrective action. Aha, you understand, you act, you sort it? Eventually. Perhaps.

judith-leyster-self-portrait

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