Acceptance LIX

I have the stubbornness to bash my head against the things I can’t change, the lassitude to tolerate the things I possibly could, and the idiocy not to see the difference.

I am pleased with that line. I said it in sardonic bitterness, but then thought, that’s close to what the twelve-steppers pray for. I even have the wisdom to tell the difference, just not as quickly as I might like.

I am sad. I am hurting. And this fills me with fear, in case I do something embarrassing because of it, like burst into tears, or behave like creepy stalker guy, which would be unbearable; contempt, because I should have recovered by now; and anger with myself for feeling this way, preventing me from useful action. I had two hours with the Samaritans bloke, which has enabled me to articulate that, and also to feel the depths of my sadness. I had a good cry. I would have denied it because the feeling was too unbearable, but no longer do that.

I showed courage. I went somewhere, facing my distress, fearing that I would do something embarrassing. I am rewarded: I see that I did not. Perhaps I could trust myself more. Perhaps I could trust others, not to hurt me, not to want to hurt me. Of course just because my suspicion is greater than it need be does not mean it is never appropriate; but too much self-protection just restricts me, as I protect myself by withdrawing, and that is tedious, dull and uncreative.

He did his thing. No, I am not suicidal. I don’t want to discuss options or goals. Society gives us so many conventional ways of having fun or advancing to useful goals, and sometimes we might even fool ourselves we are enjoying ourselves or being fulfilled; but I am utterly sick of that. I have these intense emotions which I find nearly unbearable- the sadness as well as the fear and anger; and I want to come to accept them. I am in a sulk, I have been for years, and growing acceptance and trust might make me more effectual, and happy; but even if it doesn’t, acceptance is what I am working on now.

What will you do now? he asked. I will cook. I have bacon, egg, spaghetti, onion, and will do a Carbonara. Then I will blog about this: two thousand people a month visit my blog. That at least is a useful question. And the session has been useful, it has moved me from overwhelm towards equanimity. I have these overwhelm moments; acceptance is a tool I can develop to make them less paralysing. My sadness is about much of my life, and one situation; symbols and reality, many things which do not really contradict each other, and all are important. It is about not accepting reality, even while acceptance is the way through it.

Some of the equanimity is about words: I move from AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH to “I feel sad”. The sadness wells up craving conscious attention, and naming it makes it bearable; and acknowledging it with him as my witness helps me accept it. And, I said that about lassitude and stubbornness through tears- I keep minimising my feelings.


In other news: I cycled to K– meeting this morning. The clear blue sky, with a kite, flocks of birds, trees changing colour, open fields and majestic wind-turbines, it was all too beautiful not to. We are amazed at the horror of Trump’s election. I said I must take pleasure in the beauty- people here are beautiful- and in what I can do; that was my exercise in meeting. H wants collective action- but she was with the Women’s Equality Party yesterday, and that must be enough for the moment. We will not have a mass movement in an “if there is hope, it lies in the Proles” kind of way; exhilarating certainty that you are part of a great people, all working together for Right, is only for the Dark side- “Build that Wall!”

Yesterday was my last AM as clerk. We disagreed, and we took the time to express the disagreement, and consider all sides; and we found a minute we could unite behind. It is beautiful. We do this without a leader to defer to. It is work. It is worthwhile.  Then we watched the one-woman show about the life of Ada Salter, working in Bermondsey between 1909 and 1921 with young women who were rag pickers or collectors of dog mess for leather tanning. She emphasised the horror- sheets from death beds, bandages from wounds, all kinds of human excretion and infection, and possibly broken glass inmixed, painstakingly collected for a few coppers from the paper factory. Yet that was hopeful, too: people do what people must.

7 thoughts on “Acceptance LIX

  1. You’re the architect of your ascension. A very cherished friend once told me that, when I was at rock bottom, and IT MADE SENSE. I was the only real person that could help me, and so I picked myself up. And the second I did that, the Universe turned. It turned from my greatest foe, to my tireless guide- gently nudging me in the right direction to more worthwhile paths.

    You need to take the poison out of your own life. Only you can, and only you must. Let go of toxic people, habits and vices. People you can’t say no to, or can’t help saying yes to either. Habits that you know you should lose. And finally vices that you know are killing you.

    Stop. Stop. Stop. Self preservation. Nobody, but YOU, can inculcate this. Love yourself.

    Love yourself, because you’re beautiful. You’re unique, and absolutely irreplaceable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you.
      Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.

      Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.” ― Rumi

      Hello, Neal. Welcome. It is lovely to have you here.

      I have time, right now. As I see what to do I will do it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a lovely post, beautifully written. Are you ignoring the obvious? Why not take some of that energy and write it out? You could write funny, acid, fiction or wistful, gentle short stories. You are such a good writer, Clare, ((xxx))


    • There is one phrase in this post I have come back to and back to, trying to get it accurate; and generally, here I do not edit much. I am writing here. I am pouring it out. I have just had Quaker Voices with my article in it, and still do not feel confident to write for publication; and I hope I will.

      ❤ Thank you for your encouragement. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

        • First I might change my view of them. Those articles for transvestite publications: they were witty, and people wanted to read them. My ten year old article called “transsexual Quaker”- I reread it, thought, I would say something quite different now; but it was worth publishing, then. Oh, they are nothing, I think to myself; but they are more than nothing.

          Liked by 1 person

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