Style

I’m still doing teenage here. Or mid-life crisis. If surgery or passing as a woman is just trying to fit in, which never pleases all the people, what is the way ahead? If the answer is self-acceptance, reverting won’t work.

Reverting is a symbol. I present male because I’m a man- I take an idea of who I am and find an off the shelf presentation which more or less fits it. No good. Just too difficult, for one thing. I have not done that for so long. It achieves nothing.

The Ruby Dolls sing

I have only one thing to do and that’s
to be the way that I am and then
sink back into the ocean

Everyone finds it easier to be with people like them. For some that’s their family, but we’ve never been close. I want to fit in, so I am likely to shave bits off myself or hide them even from myself for that. I want to hide. It is what I have learned from childhood and family. It isn’t working for me. It does not keep me safe.

I want to hide and I want to be noticed. I want to stand out. These are opposites I have not reconciled. Perhaps they cannot be. I can stand out until I want to hide again.

Style can be learned, surely. At Charney Manor there I am at breakfast in a sleeveless dress with large red flowers on it, and this seems to me a bit much for this douce crowd. And C wears a soft floral sweater. The levels of femininity I want but not so unusual. One of the problems with perfect me is that I imagine I should know all this. I have been thinking of other things.

And yet in that dress I stand out, which I want. I don’t want to look an idiot or a weirdo. I want to look striking.

to be the way that I am-

I feel I hold myself back. All that fear. All that second-guessing and analysis. So I want to play. I want to try things, not care so much about getting it wrong.

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