I’m still doing teenage here. Or mid-life crisis. If surgery or passing as a woman is just trying to fit in, which never pleases all the people, what is the way ahead? If the answer is self-acceptance, reverting won’t work.
Reverting is a symbol. I present male because I’m a man- I take an idea of who I am and find an off the shelf presentation which more or less fits it. No good. Just too difficult, for one thing. I have not done that for so long. It achieves nothing.
The Ruby Dolls sing
I have only one thing to do and that’s
to be the way that I am and then
sink back into the ocean
Everyone finds it easier to be with people like them. For some that’s their family, but we’ve never been close. I want to fit in, so I am likely to shave bits off myself or hide them even from myself for that. I want to hide. It is what I have learned from childhood and family. It isn’t working for me. It does not keep me safe.
I want to hide and I want to be noticed. I want to stand out. These are opposites I have not reconciled. Perhaps they cannot be. I can stand out until I want to hide again.
Style can be learned, surely. At Charney Manor there I am at breakfast in a sleeveless dress with large red flowers on it, and this seems to me a bit much for this douce crowd. And C wears a soft floral sweater. The levels of femininity I want but not so unusual. One of the problems with perfect me is that I imagine I should know all this. I have been thinking of other things.
And yet in that dress I stand out, which I want. I don’t want to look an idiot or a weirdo. I want to look striking.
to be the way that I am-
I feel I hold myself back. All that fear. All that second-guessing and analysis. So I want to play. I want to try things, not care so much about getting it wrong.